We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to try squirting with your girlfriend.
Q: “Hi, I'm a woman who's really interested in making my girlfriend squirt. I’ll admit that I first saw it in porn. I brought it up to my girlfriend once, but she seemed squeamish about the whole thing, and didn’t think she could do it. How can I convince her to give it a try? Do you have any techniques that are most effective at making women squirt? And is it true that all women can squirt, or are there some women that can’t?”
A: Thanks for the question! Squirting has become such a popular topic these days, but most people don’t understand how it actually works. Here are five things you need to know about squirting, plus tips for how to get your partner on board.
Learn The Basics
First, let’s talk about what squirting is. This is actually a more complicated question than you might think, mostly because it’s not easy to get research dollars to spend on studying squirting. The term squirting essentially refers to the release of fluid from a woman’s genitals during sexual excitement. It’s typically brought on by intense G-spot pressure. It can range from a little bit of liquid to a small stream, and from a dribble to a “squirt.”
Only a small number of women have ever squirted, and most only do it rarely. There are only a tiny number of women who can squirt consistently. Whether or not all women are capable of squirting is subject to a lot of debate. There’s no biological evidence that some women are incapable of squirting, but most women have never done it. To be fair, most women haven’t tried, so that may be part of the reason why the numbers are so small. In my sex therapy practice, I have heard from a lot of women who put a ton of effort into learning how to squirt, but were never able to. It might be similar to curling your tongue; there’s no physical reason why everyone shouldn’t be able to do it, but some people just can’t!
Remember That What You See In Porn Isn’t Real
Since you mentioned that you first got the idea from porn, I wanted to mention that the way you see squirting depicted in porn is not how it works in real life. Since squirting has become popular in recent years, more porn producers are creating squirting scenes, and even entire squirting-themed movies. But it’s important to remember that porn is for entertainment. It’s not an accurate replica of how sex actually works. In porn, women gush fluid with the intensity of a garden hose. But in the real world, most women only release a little bit of fluid, and typically it dribbles out. A lot of porn actresses actually pee to create that “squirting” visual. Some use douches to fill their vaginas up with water to the point where it comes gushing out.
Even if your girlfriend decides she wants to try squirting, please keep in mind that it’s not going to look the way it looks in porn.
Address Her Insecurities
So let’s get to some tips for asking your girlfriend to try squirting. The first thing you can do is set her at ease by addressing any fears that may be coming up for her. Squirting can make women feel insecure for a number of reasons. I mentioned above that squirting usually requires intense G-spot stimulation. The thing about G-spot stimulation is that it tends to create a feeling of needing to pee. A lot of women have a hard time receiving this stimulation because they’re afraid they’ll end up peeing on their partners. Or she might feel self-conscious about the idea of releasing a lot of liquid. She might worry about getting it on the sheets, the mattress, or on you.
You can help her feel more comfortable by letting her know that you think her fluids are incredibly hot, and you don’t care about their particular chemical make-up. Tell her how sexy you think it is when she gets really wet. When you're fingering her, try licking your fingers or spreading her juices on your body, to show her how turned on you are by her body. You can also address it from a practical angle by letting her know she can pee immediately beforehand, and you can put down a towel, or even a shower curtain, to protect the mattress.
Don’t Pressure Her
One of the other main squirting concerns I hear about from women is that they feel pressured to squirt. Squirting has become so popular these days that a lot of women feel like it’s yet another hoop they have to jump through. So many women are trying to figure out how to even have an orgasm to begin with, and now they feel like they have to have an orgasm in this specific, complicated way.
The best thing you can do is let your partner know there’s no pressure for her to explore squirting. It’s totally cool to let her know it’s something that turns you on, and to ask her if she wants to try it. But it’s extremely important for you to recognize that it’s her body, and she gets to decide what she wants to do with it.
Say something like, “I think it would be really fun to explore G-spot stimulation, and see if it leads you to squirt. Seeing you squirt would be such a turn on to me, but my primary goal is to make you feel good. It’s your body, so you get to make the ultimate decision. I just wanted to let you know I think it sounds hot.” If the idea of squirting doesn’t appeal to her, don’t pressure her to do it. Ask once, and address any concerns that may come up for her around it. But if you get a no, accept that.
Focus On Her Pleasure
Most partners who tend to bring up squirting are more interested in it for their own benefit, rather than the woman’s benefit. A lot of people tend to see squirting as a "badge of honor," or a sign that they’ve done a great job. But it’s really not something you can take “credit” for in that way. The funny thing about squirting is that it’s not necessarily related to the strength of her orgasm. So if she squirts with you, it’s not a sign that you’re a stud in the sack. It’s simply a sign that her body is capable of, or has learned to do, this one particular thing. Again, it’s perfectly fine to ask her to explore squirting, but please remember that you should want to make her squirt because you want to make her feel good.
This tip works well for in the moment too. When you’re stimulating her, you want to keep the focus on making her feel good. Squirting should be seen as a happy side-effect of making her feel pleasure, not as the main goal.
When it comes to what to do, you can start off by following my guide to fingering a woman. (You can also give her our handy guide to learning how to ejaculate from a female perspective.) Once she’s practically on the verge of orgasm, start focusing on her G-spot. You can find this spot by reaching into her vaginal canal with your palm facing up. Curl your fingers into a “come here” motion, and ask her to let you know what area feels best for her. Some women have a sponge-y protrusion on their vaginal walls, but other women don’t. Once you’ve found the spot that feels best to her, you want to focus on giving that spot nice intense pressure for at least 20-30 minutes, or until she says she feels done. You’re not likely to make her squirt the very first time out the gate, but if you’re focusing on her pleasure, that shouldn’t be an issue, right?