I was a very particular child in the '90s, with a specific sense of fashion, my own interests, and a very delicate palate — probably all because I was a Gemini. As proven by science (meaning I just made it up), the '90s snack you are is based on your zodiac sign. I mean, try growing up in a household with two Gemini sisters. We were constantly fighting for the last Twinkie, and I swear she was stashing away Zebra Cakes in a secret hiding spot.
Astrology is a field of study that falls under the title of metaphysics; it claims that celestial movements and the month in which you were born can have an effect on your personality traits and tendencies. For example, I'm a typical Gemini in that I can be very restless and indecisive. Traditional science has long argued that astrology has no place there, dismissing it as nonsensical despite arguments (my own) to the otherwise. Regardless of what science says, I am unwavering in my position: Astrology clearly determines everything, from the job we get, to how much money we make, to whether or not we get married, and to what popular '90s snack represents our individual personalities.
Here's what researchers (meaning me) have to say on the matter. Take notes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Ever the practical ones of the zodiac, Capricorn fares best with no-nonsense Lunchables. It's everything you need for a complete meal, all conveniently organized in little compartments.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Perhaps the most daring and active sign of the zodiac, Aries favors Fun Dip — which offers an opportunity to consumer pure sugar, and then... who knows what happens next? Could be a day at the playground. Could be a nap. Only time will tell.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Courageous with a thirst for travel, Sagittarius wants to be transported to another time and place. That's why they love Dinosaur Eggs oatmeal. A trip to the Mesozoic Era without leaving the breakfast table? Sweet!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Well anyway...here's Wonder Ball. pic.twitter.com/M594Fxi9UW— пенйамин. (@upsidedowntrash) January 8, 2017
Variety is the spice of life, and Gemini gets bored easily. But give them a Wonder Ball, and they're a happy camper. Who knows what's inside?!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus is ambitious and stubborn, and they love a good challenge. Give 'em a Capri Sun so they can spend the next 10 minutes trying to get the straw in the hole.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Intense and fierce, Scorpio craves excitement. Give them a can of Surge and a pack of Fruit Stripe bubble gum any day of the week. They'll go on a sugar high and cover their body in fake tattoos, and it'll be so much fun.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Aquarius is known for having the most creative imagination out of all the signs. Give them a bag of Bugles so they can stick them on their fingers and wiggle them around like they're Winifred Sanderson from Hocus Pocus.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Meticulous and practical Virgo can't resist Dunkaroos, where the cookies and frosting are placed in their own little pockets (making for easy dipping) and there's just enough frosting for each little snack.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Leos have an air of royalty about them. They deserve only the best. Give them a Ring Pop. No other jewelry compares.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Indulge in Cancer's sense of spontaneity and creativity with a variety of colors of EZ Squirt. Shades of red and green and purple will look fabulous on their hot dogs and hamburgers.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Pisces is the artist of the zodiac, with a real eye for beauty. Can you imagine the masterpiece they'd create with a Lollipop Paint Shop?
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Libra is a people pleaser and wants to make everyone happy. A canister of Pringles is the perfect snack to share, since once you pop, the fun don't stop.