In case you didn't get the memo, May is National Masturbation Month. It's the one month a year we honor the beloved activity that unites us all: masturbation. Masturbation isn't just some of the best sex you'll have in your life, but it's the safest and it doesn't require another person. Of course, you can throw your partner into the mix and practice mutual masturbation — which is always a blast — but a partner isn't necessary to enjoy it. Masturbation is, in many ways, the solo activity that keeps on giving and the exploration that comes with it, over a lifetime of practice, can result in some of the most important sexual knowledge you'll ever discover. Yes, masturbation is the best.
"There are an endless number of reasons to masturbate. Learning how to make yourself orgasm is the most empowering experience you will ever have," Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and founder of Finishing School, tells Bustle. "You'll also learn how to teach a partner how to bring you pleasure."
So, because I strongly believe that masturbation will save humanity (I mean, it could — maybe), I'm putting a lot of effort into my self-love practices this National Masturbation Month. Meaning, I experimented with not just ways to get off, but locations, too. If masturbation is something I can do anywhere and everywhere — within reason, of course — why should I stick to just the bedroom? Don't my orgasms deserve to be realized in other corners of the world, too? Absolutely.
With dirty thoughts in my mind, I crawled out of my usual masturbation spot and got to work. Here's what it was like to masturbate in a new location every day for a week.
Day 1: The Shower
Since my bed was automatically deleted from the list of places, for day one, I chose the shower. Which also meant I didn't need to bring a vibrator because the shower head has some relentless clitoral-stimulating power to it.
Although the stimulation was totally on point and I was able to orgasm within a couple minutes, standing and climaxing has never been my strong suit. When my legs started to tremble, I had to drop to my knees to save myself from accidentally falling, should they give out completely. I realized that masturbating in the shower is great, but I should definitely do it while sitting. I'm clumsy enough as it is; throw in an orgasm and I'm jello on the floor.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 9/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 2: Sitting At The Kitchen Table
I want to point out that I'm in Rome for the month, meaning I have some of the best pizza and pasta in the world at my disposal at all times. Since this is the case, I seriously considered eating pizza while masturbating at the kitchen table, but realized that would be an entirely different article, so I didn't take that route. Instead, I pulled up my skirt while sitting in a chair and masturbated, sans food.
Honestly, it took me a while to orgasm, because I felt really exposed. Granted, no one could see behind the closed drapes, but there's a part of me that wonders if these Airbnb places have cameras to catch people like me masturbating all over their apartments. Because of this unfounded and irrational fear, it took me close to a half hour to orgasm. Which also made me realize that perhaps the pizza could have helped after all.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 8/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 3: The Couch
Surprisingly, masturbating on the couch has never really crossed my mind. Even if I'm watching a movie with a hot sex scene, I never think to reach down and and masturbate. In fact, I don't really think of the couch as being a very masturbation-friendly area. I don't know why this is. But in the name of science, I took to the couch to masturbate. Again, being similarly sidetracked from what felt like too much exposure like in the kitchen, it took a while. It didn't take as long as it did in the kitchen, but it took a bit for sure. Had I watched some porn at the same time I may have been able to distract myself enough to climax more quickly, but I wasn't in a rush.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 8/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 4: In The Grocery Store
First of all, I want to point out that I, in no way, condone masturbation in public. To do so and be caught, could scar your record. Although it's far easier for a woman to masturbate in public than a man, it's still not something I advocate for in most situations.
That being said and, again, in the name of science, I locked my beloved Eva vibrator in place, pulled on a pair of jeans, walked down stairs, around the corner some 100 feet, and bought some toilet paper — because nothing says, "ooh baby" like buying toilet paper while masturbating. I had the vibration on the lowest power so no one could hear it and, sadly, but not surprisingly, did not orgasm. This, of course, says nothing about the product, but everything about me: I can't orgasm in a grocery store if I'm buying toilet paper. In fact, even if I were buying, say, cheese and wine, I still probably wouldn't be able to orgasm, because, well, I'm not an exhibitionist.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 2/10
Orgasm Count: 0
Day 5: The Bedroom Floor
Having proven to myself that I should keep my masturbating inside, I decided to retreat to my bedroom and do it on the floor since the bed was not an option for this experiment. What did I find? I was far too distracted by the dust bunnies under the bed to focus. So, I moved my location on the floor so I could see them. But, being relatively obsessive compulsive in regards to cleanliness, I couldn't rest until I solved the dust bunny issue. So I interrupted my masturbation session to remedy the problem. When I returned to the task at hand, I climaxed in roughly 10 minutes or so.
Then, immediately afterward, I grabbed the vacuum and decided midnight was the prime-time to clean the entire apartment.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 7/10
Orgasm Count: 1
Day 6: Standing In The Hallway In Front Of A Partner
Despite the fact that I knew I'd prefer to be sitting or lying down while I masturbated, I decided to stand in the hallway anyway. I also decided I'd add my partner to the mix, so it wasn't just a different physical location, but a different mental location, too. It's one thing to masturbate while your partner masturbates, but it's another thing to stand in front of your partner, while they watch, and you masturbate totally solo.
Because I felt not just overexposed, but vulnerable and like I was on stage performing a death-defying act, it took a really long time to have an orgasm. So long that I decided to give up, but my partner insisted that I continue on, so I did. And... I got nowhere. Had we been lying in bed together, it wouldn't have been a problem, but even though he was stark naked in the hallway, too, I just couldn't do it. I deemed it a failure and we went back to bed to pick up where we left off.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 8/10
Orgasm Count: 0
Day 7: A Public Bathroom
Again, there's have a caveat to this one. When I say "public," I mean, yes, it was public, but it was one of those one-person-at-time bathrooms. In this particular case, I didn't have a vibrator because I didn't even think to masturbate in a public bathroom until I was standing in there. What this meant was that I needed to stimulate my clitoris with my fingers, which, takes far longer than a vibrator for me.
I didn't have an orgasm, but I did feel like I had a fun little secret going on when I left the bathroom. But, honestly, I could have been in there for some 30 minutes trying to get off and, at some point, someone was going to need to use the toilet.
Masturbation-Friendliness Score: 6/ 10
Orgasm Count: 0
What I Realized About Masturbating
At the end of the week I realized a painful fact about myself: I'm a creature of habit. Meaning, when it comes to masturbating, I prefer my bed to every other place in the world. Granted, I haven't masturbated in every other place in the world, but I'm 99 percent sure that my bed will always be my favorite. However, I'm not ruling out continuing on this mission to find another place that rivals my bed. Masturbation, like sex, is an ongoing learning process, so I'm totally game to see where it takes me.
