If you've been faking orgasms, you've probably already been warned that faking can stop you from getting real orgasms. But the thing is, it's not all on you. If it were easy to stop faking orgasms, you would've done it. It can be hard when your partner isn't invested in your pleasure, doesn't know how to please you, and/or views your orgasm as an ego boost.
Conversely, if you suspect your partner is faking orgasms, it's not all on them. There are things you can do to make them more comfortable being honest about what's going on and/or talking to you about how to give them real orgasms. To see how people's partners can get them to stop faking orgasms, Astroglide recently surveyed people on what they need to attain more real orgasms.
The survey results show that, while you hear about a lot of fancy tricks to induce orgasms, it actually comes down to the basics. "Sex is often framed as a performative act, and much of the advice focuses on specific how-to approaches: techniques, positions, tips, and tricks," Astroglide's resident sexologist Dr. Jess O'Reilly, tells Bustle. "And while experimenting with novel techniques and positions can enliven interest and make sex more exciting, the foundation of a fulfilling sexual encounter is often rooted in the relational elements — connection, communication, a willingness to listen, learn, and try a variety of approaches (including oral)."
A previous Astroglide survey found that 75 percent of women and 37 percent of men had faked an orgasm during intercourse. And while 74 percent of men ages 18-24 would masturbate or ask their partners to assist if they didn't orgasm during intercourse, only 56 percent of women would do the same, while the rest would "stay silent and frustrated." So, it seems like women, as usual, are getting the short end of the stick.
It doesn't have to be that way, though. 4,342 people told Astroglide what their partners can do to help them orgasm and stop faking. Here are the most common themes women mentioned in their responses.
1Foreplay
We too often think of intercourse as the main act and activities that women are more likely to orgasm from, like oral and digital sex, as foreplay — as if women's pleasure were just preparation for men's pleasure.
People who sleep with those with vulvas need to know that only a quarter of them regularly orgasm through intercourse alone, so for many of them, foreplay is that main event. 163 women said foreplay was crucial for them to orgasm with their partners.
2Patience
Because of this notion that women's pleasure is just a warm-up, many people gloss over it in order to get to intercourse. Rather than take this approach, many women wish their partners would stick with it until they orgasmed: 139 brought up patience as a necessary ingredient to their orgasms.
3Oral
Oral sex was a popular answer in the survey, cited by 132 women and 161 men. In a 2017 study in the Journal of Sex Research, women reported that their best orgasms came from oral sex, yet many declined it because they weren't comfortable reciprocating. But men reported that their best orgasms came from intercourse, suggesting that women who have intercourse are already "reciprocating."
Regardless of what else is on the table, women's partners should reassure them that they're giving them oral because they want to, not because they expect something in return.
4Knowledge
Knowledge means power... and it also means orgasms. 127 women said more knowledge on their partners' part would help, which is not surprising given that one 2013 study found only 44 percent of men knew where the clitoris was.
It's not always our fault: Few of us have decent sex ed, and many of us only have porn to go by, which isn't always exactly female-friendly. A few resources to educate yourself are O.school and OMGyes.
5The Clitoris
Clitoral stimulation is sometimes depicted as a fun addition to sex. But given that the clitoris is the female equivalent of the penis, it is just as important as penile stimulation. 98 women said they wished their partners paid more attention to their clitorises. There are many ways to provide clitoral stimulation, including oral sex, fingering, sex toys, and certain sex positions.
6Selflessness
Unfortunately, many of us grow up learning that sex is primarily for male pleasure. One Cosmopolitan survey found that 22 percent of women didn't believe their partners cared whether they orgasmed, and 72 percent had had a partner orgasm but not attempt to help them finish.
So, ensuring women orgasm goes back to the basics of being a good person: Don't only care about yourself. 91 women said they wished their partners were more selfless.
7Communication
You've probably heard before that communication is necessary for great sex, and that's definitely the case when it comes to female orgasms. 88 women said better communication would help them reach the big O. This can mean asking your partner what she likes and/or dirty talking to make things more exciting.
"Talking about what you want and listening to your partner’s insights is more likely to lead to orgasm than utilizing a specific technique, as each person’s sexual and orgasmic response is unique," says Dr. Jess. "The foundation of your connection — emotionally, practically and sexually — also plays a significant role in your response to touch. No physical touch technique will override feelings of resentment or invisibility. Your emotional and mental state (especially, but not exclusively, in relation to your partner) affects how your body responds to physical sensations."
