I'm 25. He's 43. Can People Stop Judging Our Age Gap?

Q: I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 43. We met on Hinge a year ago and just instantly clicked. Most of the time, I don't notice the 18-year age gap, but weird little things do pop up sometimes — like, on 9/11, he was in college and I was 4 months old. Overall, though, this is the best relationship I've ever had. Unlike guys my own age, he treats me like a queen, we almost never fight, and I can trust him completely.

But I can tell people are judging us. His friends make "jokes" about me being a child bride. Mine keep saying he's old enough to be my dad. I'm sick of people being so hung up on the age gap, ignoring all the good parts of the relationship, and not taking us seriously. Deep down, I know it's not really an even playing field — he gives me life advice, and he pays for almost everything. I do sometimes feel like a kid by comparison. But is that actually a problem? I know we'd have a really nice life together.

A: There is one concept, one creed so important that Bon Jovi, Gwen Stenfani, and Billy Joel have all sung about it: “It’s my life.” (Technically, Billy sang “this is my life” and Gwen was doing a cover, but the point still stands.) At the end of the day, you are required only to answer to yourself. So if this relationship works for you, keep on truckin’!

However, I think you’ll benefit from considering why people judge older guys dating women in their early/mid-20s.

There is a very well-documented pattern of that situation turning out… not so well. For starters, this kind of age gap tends to appeal to a certain kind of man. They know that women their own age are less likely put up with a partner who doesn’t “do” anniversaries, or gets mean after the Knicks lose.

The defense frequently given by these men is that their younger girlfriend is “mature for her age.” Personally, I remain unconvinced that their desire is intensified by clear boundaries, self-actualization, and yearly appointments to check for suspicious moles. Let’s be real — they’re seeking youth, and they’re only looking for that from women. How many 43-year-old guys have 25-year-old male friends?

While women in their early/mid-20s are some of our strongest soldiers, and I love them dearly, I know they’ll undoubtedly become even wiser and more self-assured over time. However, this type of maturing is not always the type certain men value.

You will never get to be 25 again. This is the time to have conversations at parties about securing Kendrick tickets, not swapping recs for a good local handyman.

Additionally, in situations like these, the relationship’s balance often means the younger, less-established person falls into the older person’s lifestyle (no roommates, no student loan debt) than the other way around.

Your boyfriend may not be like this, but there are older guys who don’t want to do 25 year-old things. They’ve already done them. Instead, they’d like you to slot into their world — which seems wonderful because they usually have more money and nicer housing. And then you start living like a 43-year-old when you are 25.

That’s very, very fun for a week or a month or a year. Who doesn’t love walk-in closets and kitchen islands? Who doesn’t love a weekend in Palm Springs? Who doesn’t love fancy work-event dinners where the bill is covered and the bar is open?

But are you still going to bars where the floors are sticky? Are you traveling solo? Is he hanging out with your friends as often as you hang out with his? Are your career plans changing to better serve his?

Consider how you navigate his needs. Does he put in equal effort to fulfill yours? Does he watch Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and go to wine tastings with you — or are you only kayaking and watching Andor? Do you need to scoot out of work early because he makes dinner reservations at 6:30 instead of 7? Does he expect that paying for things means he gets more say?

I’m making sweeping generalizations here, of course. But these are common occurrences and they’re part of why people take issue with big age gaps.

If you feel like you’re doing equal work to be in each other’s lives, then wonderful. You’re golden.

But as a reminder: you will never get to be 25 again. (Very messed up, I still haven’t come to terms with this myself.) This is the time to have conversations at parties about securing Kendrick tickets, not swapping recs for a good local handyman; to pack six people into a single hotel room for a wedding; to occasionally babysit for your undergraduate thesis advisor.

If the cost of being with the love of your life is a few jokes, that’s a very low price to pay.

So make like Thoreau and "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” If that means being with your boyfriend forever, fabulous. If that means being with your boyfriend for now, delightful. If that means leaving, even with all the love you share? Bittersweet but exhilarating. I’ll meet you at the weird basement bar down the street for the $5 beer + shot combo.

From what you said, it seems like your friends aren’t too concerned about your relationship. Otherwise, I think they’d say that rather than teasing you about how your boyfriend was alive when Thriller was released. My recommendation, should you stay, is to try to have a sense of humor about it. If the cost of being with the love of your life is a few jokes, that’s a very low price to pay.

As Mary Oliver and Pitbull so helpfully remind us, life is fleeting. All you can do is make the most of it. If that means being with this guy, then be with him. Enjoy it. Ignore the jokes — or better yet, embrace them as evidence that there aren’t bigger concerns about your relationship.

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