Can I Ask My Partner To Stop Watching Porn?

Q: When my partner and I started dating two and a half years ago, they said they had a borderline addiction to porn. I don’t like porn because an ex watched it all the time, which made it harder for him to finish with me. It makes me feel insecure and inadequate, wondering if my partner compares my sexual abilities to the ones they are watching.

When I shared that it bothered me, my partner said they would work on stopping. Since then, I haven’t followed up because I’m worried they are still watching it, and I know I’ll be upset if they are, potentially causing issues.

Maybe I just don’t understand porn — I don’t watch it, I don’t get the hype — but it makes me feel inadequate. How do I talk about this with my partner? Am I being unreasonable?

A: My dog is afraid of vacuums. The fear is entirely ridiculous to me, but because I care about her feelings, I let her outside before I clean.

I use that metaphor to say: your partner can and should be interested in helping alleviate the negative feelings you have around porn. You do not need to prove to anyone — not me, not your partner, not Bustle’s readers — that an insecurity is “reasonable” for your significant other to take it seriously. It is nothing to adjust our lives for the comfort of those we love. (Within reason. I’m still going to vacuum.)

Porn is a complicated, thorny topic. I watch it. My partner watches it. I’m happy for him; I don’t have any desire to be the only person who gets him going. I’m not here to dismiss your concerns, or evangelize my own personal horny habits and bang boundaries. But as a person who supports ethical porn and adult entertainers, let me be clear: You have every right to feel the way you do. You just also have to be fair in how you react and behave.

I’m sorry you had an inconsiderate ex who didn’t prioritize your feelings, and I’m sorry you’re now back in a similar situation. The way I see it, though, your partner’s masturbation habits aren’t the main problem at hand here. (Ahem.) Instead, this is about deciding what you can and can’t accept in a relationship, and communicating that to your partner.

Experts disagree about whether porn addiction is real, but a behavior does not need to come with any kind of diagnosis for you to create boundaries around it. That doesn’t mean controlling what your partner can and can’t do — it only dictates what you will do in response. I can’t make my co-worker stop microwaving halibut, but I can play “Part of Your World” on repeat in the break room for their entire lunch if they do. (Only kidding, have fun, fish freaks.)

Reflect on what boundary you’d like to set.

It definitely seems like you two need to have another conversation about this. Also, if hard discussions are a regular issue, or something that you both avoid, that’s worth thinking about, too. (And, unfortunately, talking about.)

Before you talk to your partner about this, you should reflect on what boundary you’d like to set. To figure out what the rest of the conversation might look like, though, ask yourself some questions. Meet yourself with frank honesty and curiosity, not judgment.

Do you really need to know if your partner still watches porn? If so, why? How will that information help you? If they’re still watching it, how upset would you be? Would it be a heartbreaker or a dealbreaker? If it’s the latter, then you both deserve to have that conversation sooner rather than later. You can have a healthy relationship without knowing every single detail of someone’s life, but if you’re afraid to ask if they’re crossing a boundary, that’s a problem.

Also, why is this coming up now? What’s behind your anxiety? Has your sex life been lacking a spark? Are you dissatisfied in bed, or has your partner suggested that they might be? Have they done anything lately that made you feel inadequate?

If watching porn is not a total dealbreaker for you, it’s not negatively affecting your sex life, and your partner is discreet enough that you don’t know about it, maybe there’s something else at play that’s making you worry about your relationship.

Some studies suggest that the “limerence period” — that early need-you-now passion — lasts around two years, and after that, hormonal changes (less dopamine, more oxytocin) create a smoother, less intense kind of love. Anecdotally, I’ve known a fair few couples who around the two-and-a-half-year mark start getting… itchy. They feel less content and more bored or dissatisfied. Does any of that resonate with you?

The answers to all of these questions will get to the root of your feelings and fears, things you ought to share with your partner openly and often. They’ll guide how you talk to your partner. But regardless of where you want the conversation to go, here’s a great way to start:

“I’ve been feeling X lately, and I think it might be because of Y, which bothers me because Z happened to me in a previous relationship. Can we talk about it?”

You should also ask your partner about their own boundaries around porn. You’re in this together.

To me, a healthy relationship means that I trust my partner without an accounting of every thought or feeling they have. It’s not that I trust them to never think about other people. It’s that I know that they will think about other people, and that they’ll still love me and be into me. (Or tell me if their feelings change.)

You cannot be everything to your partner. They might have flirty feelings about a Trader Joe’s cashier interaction, or watch the 1984 hit comedy Splash and get turned on. Your partner can imagine sex in their head with other people, even without porn.

But they should also be so invested in a healthy, hot sex life with you that in your most logical moments, you understand that they are choosing you. Their words and actions should make you feel secure, confident, and loved. And if that’s not happening, that is the problem. Not whatever else might be enticing them.

Whatever boundaries you each decide to have, that’s OK, as long as you both present and uphold them with care. If you’d like to move forward, vacuum away — thoughtfully.

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