It's A Pleasure
I Want To Have Great Sex Forever. Am I Being Unrealistic?
It seems like sex becomes less important after a few years with the same person.
Q: I love solo sex, partnered sex, one-night stands, watching porn, reading erotica, sexting, taking racy photos, wearing lingerie, experimenting with toys, etc. My sex life is incredibly important to me, even as a single woman.
I have sowed my wild oats, and enjoyed that, but I yearn for the intimacy and adventure of sharing sex with one man for longer than a few months. I prioritize sexual compatibility (alongside other qualities, to be sure) in a relationship, but my friends think that I'm being unrealistic and/or naive. They are nearly all in heterosexual relationships that have lasted five or more years, and tell me that sex is an infrequent — even unimportant! — part of their relationship. Am I being unrealistic?
A: As a fellow certified horny person, I get you. And I don’t think you’re being unrealistic at all. I do, however, think you’re being un petit peu… unimaginative.
I think you may have the idea that there are a finite number of futures to choose from and that in this instance you must decide between Wild Oats and Boring Sex Life, and you’re asking me if there is a secret third door. But guess what? There are actually infinity doors.
As a long-term relationship evolves, your sex life might shift in ways you wind up liking — or even preferring. In many ways, I bet it will be better.
You’re trying to predict the future, and you’re assuming a lot: that long-term relationships are nothing more than a boring slog (they’re not); that your friends aren’t sensual outside of their partners (they might be reading erotica, too!); and that they shouldn’t be satisfied with their current sex lives (they might be happy!).
As a long-term relationship evolves, your sex life might shift in ways you wind up liking — or even preferring. In many ways, I bet it will be better.
I bet there will be a random Tuesday night when you’ve both eaten way too much ramen to have sex, and instead you’ll watch Shogun. You’ll have a tiny thought that is like, “Ahh, this is nice.” And then you’ll spend that weekend getting it on at a campsite, never leaving the tent. That’s how it goes.
You’re trying to ensure you have no meh sex ever. I’m sorry to say, my friend, we all do. Regardless of your relationship status, you will have periods of loneliness or dissatisfaction. There is no way around that.
The best shot you have at a great future sex life is not, surprisingly, the person who is currently flipping you around and waking up at 3 a.m. to go again. That, unfortunately, can fade. (Banging against a wall gets harder and harder on your knees as you age.)
Because if you think about eroticism — if you look at the list you wrote! — it’s not just penetrative sex every day and twice on Sunday. It’s about being able to communicate about intimacy and sensuality with your partner. Look for someone who can talk about sex with you, who enjoys sharing fantasies and desires and more with you.
You want the foundation of your sex life to be deeper than just “we used to have a lot of sex.” You want the foundation to be, “When we have a problem with sex, we get creative about how to address it because it’s important.”
The best shot you have at a great future sex life is not, surprisingly, the person who is currently flipping you around and waking up at 3 a.m. to go again. That, unfortunately, can fade. (Banging against a wall gets harder and harder on your knees as you age.) Instead, pick a person who has similar sexual values. A person who thinks about sex the way you do.
All you can do is get into a relationship with an open mind and heart, love the other person well, and walk away if it doesn’t work. That’s the best any of us can do! It’s all there is!
When I first started dating my boyfriend, my imagined ideal for sex was As Much As Possible. I really didn’t have any other ways to express intimacy or vulnerability, and sex made me feel like I was being validated, so of course I was like: “Nonstop sex, please!” I genuinely felt that frequency was a measure of how well our relationship was going.
My boyfriend was wise enough to suggest that we could simply have sex as often as we like. If we hung out and didn’t have sex, that wasn’t some sign that we didn’t want each other. It just meant we were comfortable enough to not need to prove our desire via frantic fingerbanging.
This more relaxed approach to sex came in handy when I had a couple of serious surgeries a few years into dating and we couldn't have sex for a bit. By then we’d built up so many other forms of closeness that putting a pause on banging wasn’t catastrophic. It was like, “Can’t wait to do that again,” not, “Are we even close anymore? Is the relationship dying?”
You have the power to leave a boring relationship. But life happens. Libidos wax and wane. You’re wise enough to know the difference between a dead bedroom and a period where sex isn’t happening as frequently or easily with someone you really love. The hope is that when that happens, you and your partner have built up the tools and intimacy to talk about it. (A reading recommendation: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.)
When you do get into a relationship, please remember that you are still a fully actualized and sexual being on your own. You can — and I think should — still masturbate and read filthy stories and buy hot lingerie and take spicy photos of yourself. You can still engage with fantasy outside of your partner, especially if there’s a kink or an act or a position your partner isn’t that into.
Your sexuality isn’t only reserved for your partner, but also for yourself. It’s very realistic to expect, and require, a partner who knows this.
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