When news of another Breaking Bad new season hoax broke in October, despite being pretty sure that Bryan Cranston would not be shaving his head and growing that masterful beard once more (sigh), I too secretly hoped that Season 6 of Breaking Bad might actually happen. I get it. We've all been there. Something pops up on your Facebook newsfeed, and you can't help but click it, devouring every piece of information about that all elusive sixth season of your favorite show of all time, second only to Pretty Little Liars. But deep in your heart a truth exists — a sixth season of Breaking Bad would make zero sense, and we all just need to stop.
As has been the case time and again, the most recent story claiming that new Breaking Bad was being made was merely a clickbait article, driving traffic to a site filled with fake stories intent on crushing everyone's dreams. Sad face. But it begs the question: Why is everyone so obsessed with more Breaking Bad being made? And, if by some miracle, a sixth season was greenlit, what would it even be about? Because the Season 6 Breaking Bad finale tied everything up, right? The story had a satisfying end. Seriously, it's time to consider all the reasons getting Walter White and the gang back together would just not work.
1. Everyone's Dead
OK, so not everyone is dead, but enough people are. And *spoiler alert* the main character is pretty much guaranteed to be dead and buried at this point, even if fan theories are right and that gunshot didn't finish him off. I won't list all the casualties for fear of ruining people's lives any more than is necessary but, needless to say, enough of the main characters are now dead that it'd make zero sense to bring the show back. Unless a crossover with The Walking Dead is up for discussion, because that's the only way all of the cast are getting back together.
2. No One Even Likes Each Other
Aside from being dead, most of the show's relationships, friendships, and family units have been torn apart by the actions of one Walter White. Skyler wouldn't let Walt near the children, and pretty convincingly hates him for what he's put her and the kids through. Jesse and Walt's once special bond is irreparably destroyed for a number of reasons, and anybody that's unwittingly crossed Walt, or attempted to reveal his secret identity, has met a pretty horrific fate. A Friends reunion this is not.
4. Meth Is So Uncool Now
Having been forced to cook meth for months underground, chained up like an animal, Jesse Pinkman is probably not that into cooking meth anymore. And if Walter is, by some miracle, alive, I hope he's chilling on a beach somewhere are not dabbling in the dark arts of meth production. Either way, the meth team is so over.
5. There's Nothing Left To Figure Out
The beauty of the first four seasons of Breaking Bad was that the world wanted to know who Heisenberg was. We, the audience, knew, and it was our special, and super hot (thanks to Cranston!), secret. But once Hank figured out the big mystery, and everything began to unravel, there was only one direction this train was going in. How can you reboot a legend like Heisenberg, and what else is there to say?
6. There's Only So Much Breakfast You Can Eat
The audience spent a lot of time around the White's breakfast table. You might think you want more, but you've had enough cereal to last you a lifetime. I'm cutting you off.
7. Haven't These Characters Been Through Enough Misery?
I love to marathon a dark drama series as much as anyone, but the characters in Breaking Bad didn't have the best time of it, did they? Season 5, Parts 1 and 2, explored the fall-out from Walter White's actions as a drug kingpin. Devastation ensued. Lives were destroyed. Everyone was miserable. Did he make any reparations? Sure, he tried. But some things you can't come back from, and I'm not convinced there's a meaningful way to revisit these characters without rehashing the past.
8. Skyler Just Won't, OK?
Say what you will, but Skyler White was a kick-ass female character. Did she put up with a lot from her drug-making husband? Sure. Would she do it all again? Definitely not. There's no way that Skyler is getting dragged back into any drug drama. She's looking after her kids, hopefully living somewhere lovely, and finding happiness for her family. I don't believe that she'd compromise any of that ever again.
9. There Are Other Shows To Watch
OK, so this is a tough one, but listen hard. There are other shows like Breaking Bad. Are any of them as good? Debatable. Will anything ever make you feel all the many and varied feels that Breaking Bad did? It's really too soon to tell. What I do know is, it's time you got back out there and experienced life again. And by get back out there, I mean log in to Netflix and find something else to marathon watch immediately. You know I'm right.
Images: AMC; Giphy (11)