How To Cope With A Too-Big Penis (They Exist)

In this life, we all face challenges — tests of our mettle, causes that seem beyond lost, problems that seem to push the very limits of our intellect, creativity, and bravery. And sometimes, one of those challenges is figuring out how to deal with a really big penis.

Many people believe that, like the noble Sasquatch, the too-big penis is simply a myth; others think you’re experimenting with a new genre of humblebraggery when you complain that a too-big penis chafed your vagina so much while having sex that it still stings hours later. “Must be a nice problem to have,” those unenlightened folks will tell you, as they angrily sip their lattes and mentally cross you off their Christmas card lists. But trust me, too-big penises are very real — and they are a very real problem.

Enormous penises sound great on paper, of course — if they didn’t, “Boogie Nights” would just be a movie about a guy who works in a bar sometimes. But having intercourse with a very large penis can be distracting in a way that makes it hard to enjoy yourself fully in the moment and difficult to focus on orgasming. In the worst cases, I personally have experienced a painful, tearing feeling while a too-big penis entered my vagina; I’ve experienced post-sex chafing, rawness, stinging, and, on one terrible occasion, I yowled in pain while peeing in a Starbucks bathroom a few hours after a particularly un-lubed encounter with a massive dong.

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And the anxiety and anticipation that can rise out of these experiences can suck the fun out of your entire sex life — not just the parts involving penetrative sex. Stressing out about dealing with a big penis can be the hardest part of dealing with a big penis.

That's why you can't leave it to chance, friends. If you are dealing with a very large penis in your life and are at a loss for what to do, you need a plan. And I would like to help you develop one.

Note : I am not a doctor, nor any other kind of medical professional. I’m not even sure I actually completed my science requirement in college (I took a class called “Ethical Debates in Modern Robotics” as a pass/fail and then stopped showing up mid-semester). So, what follows is not medical advice. These are simply the musings of one woman who has struggled to get a number of hotdogs down her hallway.

Also, if you’re experiencing serious pain when having penis-in-vagina intercourse, please see a doctor — there are a lot of real-deal medical problems that include extreme vaginal pain as a symptom.

1. Lube, lube, lube

Lube is a classic for a reason — it’s one of those simple items that solve a surprising number of everyday problems, like baking soda, or Melrose Place DVDs. Apply lube everywhere — I mean, everywhere. Go to town! And don’t just apply it to the penis in question — make sure you get your vaginal opening very lubed up, as well. In my experience, doing this really decreases the rawness you can sometimes feel after sex.

2. Try different positions

Do you like being on top? Good, because in your new life of vaginal comfort, you're going to be doing a lot of it! I personally don’t love being on top, but I've found that by at least starting out on top, it is easier for me to get my dude's penis inserted, and there’s less of the bad friction that can make it feel like you skinned your cooch in those first few moments of penetration. It has also helped me loosen up enough to eventually shift into other positions.

3. Focus on foreplay/afterplay

A close friend with significant experience in the realm of giant dicks recommended this to me years ago, and I’ve found it to be a lifesaver/vagsaver. Make penis-in-vagina penetration just part of the sexual experience, rather than the final course. This can mean ending in mutual masturbation, manual stimulation, a game of Boggle — the sky is the limit. This is also a good way to incorporate toys or other elements that will spice up your life/vagina.

4. Break out the toys

Though I've personally had limited success with this method, a lot of people swear that vibrators and dildos are the key to relaxing your vaginal muscles enough to have penetrative sex with a large penis. You won't know until you try, and the trying is very fun.

5. Talk about it

Whether your sexual ideal is the car scene from Titanic or something out of Edward Penis Hands, it probably does not involve saying stuff like “I need you to slow down” or “This position does not work for me, we need to stop and switch” or “You literally cannot wail on my vagina like it is a Guitar Hero controller.” But as much as it interferes with a lot of our fantasies about what sex should look like, talking about what you are feeling and what you need in that moment is probably the most effective tool in the big-dick-handling arsenal. It's the key to adjusting angles, changing positions, adding more lube — all of things that make having sex with a huge penis possible.

6. Change your expectations

When working with a huge penis, some things will take more time. Some things will be impossible. Some things will be possible, but they'll take a lot more planning and equipment than you initially thought, and you might start to feel like you are helping someone build a tool shed rather than engaging in a spontaneous act of lovemaking. So the most helpful tool for, uh, handling a big tool, is to try to drop your expectations about what you have to do to make your sex look "good" — that sex shouldn't have to have toys, or a massive amount of foreplay every time, or whatever it is you need. Don't stress out about that. As noted sexual scholar Dr. George Michael once put it, "Sex is fun." Don't lose sight of that, even in the most trying moments.Also, lube.