I'm a big fan of having sex stoned. I mean, it's two sensations I love, put together. What's not to like? When I'm high, I tend to feel more in touch with what I actually want and what I'm feeling in the moment, which is why I've been able to use having sex stoned as a way to understand my own body, emotions, and sexuality from a different angle. When used in thoughtful moderation, smoking weed can sometimes be an aid for acting like your most honest and authentic self — something that is always a good idea when you're getting down, but which isn't always easy, especially for women.
I started smoking weed at roughly the same time I started having sex, and saw the appeal of sometimes combining the two activities early on. Over my decade of mostly-mindful hedonism, I've learned that there are some particular ways you can combine the two activities for your maximum benefit. Though I'm presenting these tips here in the context of stoned sex, any of these suggestions could also apply to having more fun, interesting, and honest sex in general.
So as a somewhat-experienced practitioner, here are my 17 tips for getting the most out of high sex.
1. Practice Not Doing Anything You Don't Feel Like Doing
You should never have sex before you want to and your body feels ready, ever — and having sex high might make you particularly aware of when you feel pressure to do just that. Being stoned might make you feel more skeptical, or even "weird" about your partner in moments. You might feel harder to impress when you're high, because you're feeling hyperaware of your partner's behavior (and potentially anything they're doing that just isn't working for you).
That's all OK! I think you should pay attention to all of those feelings as they come, noting that they can be both real and fleeting. As you start getting down, try to challenge yourself not to do anything before you absolutely want to.
2. Focus On The Present Moment
Being high gives you a head-start when it comes to being awesome at this. You're already less inhibited, but also more aware of your own thoughts, so you're in the perfect position to assert your desires and have sex with less self-judgment.
If you find your mind wandering off into the future or past, simply try to refocus on what's happening in that moment, and what it feels like. You can bring yourself back to your breath when you find yourself worrying about performance, or even narrate to yourself what's happening right then, like, "Their fingers are going in and out of me right now and it feels..."
3. Approach Foreplay Like Sexually-Frustrated Teenagers
Have your partner make out with you for half an hour. Grind up on each other like teenagers. Let him or her try to seduce you, or try to seduce them. Trace their body with your hands or lips, going over every part of them like it's the first time. Don't have sex until you're feeling tortured and soaked, just like the old days.
4. Slow. It. Down.
Time is already stretched out when you're stoned, so you might as well roll at a more luxurious pace. Remember, your main rule of high sex is to try to follow what you want, moment to moment. Don't preempt yourself, or put pressure on yourself to get to the "main event" — see if you and your partner can savor everything, and have the pace of sex match the pace your minds are moving at. Give each other massages. Tease each other. Follow whatever feels good, and try to avoid thinking ahead.
5. Use Plenty Of Lube
Last year, there was a rumor going around that "cotton vagina" was a real thing. It turned out to be mostly a hoax, but the truth is, you do get more dehydrated when you're stoned, and that might extend to your vagina. I'm a proponent of lube in general, but when you're high, it is often a must. It will help you stay wet, and will also help you and your partner have all the slippery benefits of an hour of cunnilingus when you might be feeling a bit lazy (not that you should skip the hour of cunnilingus if that's what you feel like. Definitely recommend that, too).
6. Embrace The Truth Serum
Did you know that marijuana used to be used during interrogations as a 'truth serum'? Well, you do now. Consider this fact your permission to tell it like it is during sex and give more directions.
Bustle's sex columnist Vanessa Marin has an awesome article explaining exactly how to give directions during oral sex, but let's be real — it isn't easy. Read Vanessa's article ahead of time, but if you're not sure where to start, just tell your partner when something they're doing feels good, or tell them what you're fantasizing about. From there, it will be easier to tell them what to adjust.
7. Channel The Munchies Into 69ing
69ing is the subject of a lot jokes, but it really is a loving, hot, egalitarian position. When you're high, it can also be extra delicious. Since you probably have the munchies anyway, just focus on what you enjoy about the sensation of going down on your partner and having them in or on your mouth.
Only do what feels genuinely good. Don't deep throat more or go faster than you find it pleasurable to. Instead, focus your energy on how you can most authentically give your partner pleasure in that moment, and let them know you're into it. Ask them what feels good, and trust your own instincts.
8. Focus On The Breath
Try focusing on your breath, and your partner's breath. See if you can even get it synched up at certain points, and whether it changes anything about how you move together. The deeper you breathe, the more blood you're sending to your genitals, so know that by doing this, you'll literally be turning yourself on even more. Focusing on your breath during sex is also a form of meditation — it helps bring you into the present moment, and gives your mind something to focus on, especially if you find it's getting crowded with paranoid or self-conscious thoughts.
9. Experiment With Silence
If you want to take things even further, you can try being silent and not letting yourself make any noises besides your deep breathing. It will help you focus on the present moment, and help you avoid falling into a moaning performance (not that there's anything inherently wrong with performing, if that's what you feel like doing).
10. Play With New Sensations
Now's a great time to test out that new toy, or to try some sensation play. You probably don't want to try anything too intense, like BDSM or a rape fantasy, for the first time when you're high, but a massage, an ice cube, a new vibrator … all of those sensations are going to feel even more intense and delicious when you're stoned.
Go for it, and let yourself be uninhibited. If an idea or fantasy pops into your head in the middle of sex, tell your partner what it is, and try it if you're both down.
11. Utilize The Visual
Again, because your senses are heightened but your inhibitions are hopefully lowered, this is a great time to integrate the visual into your sesh. Pull the mirror over and watch yourself have sex. Film yourselves, or have your partner take pictures of you, if that's what you've been fantasizing about lately.
If you're worried you might not like seeing yourself have sex, I'd challenge you to try it anyway. This doubles as a great exercise for strengthening body positivity. You can start by using dimmer lighting or only pointing the mirror on your partner, and work your way up from there. Hopefully, by looking at yourself in whatever position you feel hottest in, you can see how damn fine you really are, and get even more turned on by all the new angles you can see.
12. Lean Into Lazy
Maybe you're feeling the lazy kind of stoned, where you don't have much energy for all these personal-growth exercises. Totally fine! Lazy sex is awesome, too. The aforementioned 69ing is great for this, or you can grab your most trusty vibrator and have your partner spoon you from behind.
Try to follow the same principles of only doing what you want, moment to moment, and asserting it. If what you want is an easy orgasm with your Magic Wand while your partner fondles you, ask for it. See if you can get over any shame you might feel in asserting what would get you off, or how you think you "should" come, and just be honest.
13. Grind Up On It
When you're stoned, it's extra fun to put on your sex playlist. Everyone knows that music is even more revelatory when you're high, so now's the perfect time to put some of life's purest pleasures together. I also highly recommend asking for a lap dance as part of foreplay. (You can take turns.) Totally fine if you crack up while it's happening. Which brings me to...
14. Replace Some Moans With Laughs
Obviously, sex is funny. It's also sometimes gross. That's all good. Don't be afraid to laugh during high sex, or any sex, for that matter. Now's the time to remember it doesn't always have to be so serious. Sometimes, when things feel really good during stoned sex, I'll find myself laughing with pleasure instead of moaning. It's a nice change.
15. Follow You Creative Instincts
One of my favorite things about having sex high is that I always seem to find myself in new positions. Marijuana is known to heighten creativity, as is orgasm for women, so combine the two and go with any spontaneous ideas you have in bed. If you end up all twisted, just laugh about it.
16. Never Feel Guilty About Asking For A Break
There's nothing wrong with taking a break in the middle of sex, if that's what you feel like doing. The point here is to keep having sex as authentically and enjoyably as possible, and to keep learning how to respect and assert your desires with another person. If you feel weird all the sudden (which can definitely happen during stoned sex), ask for a pause — and either cuddle, talk, or go back to light foreplay until you feel like doing it again. (Or not. That's always an option, too.)
17. Really Savor The Post-Coital
When you guys feel done, allow yourself to relish the post-coital glow even longer than you might normally. (That is, after you get up to pee.) Check in with your partner, cuddle, trace their body quietly with your fingers — whatever feels best and most intimate to you.
Remember that stoned sex can sometimes be more emotionally intense than sober sex, especially if you were practicing any of the above techniques that challenge you to expand your sexual boundaries. Debrief the way you would after any sort of sexual experimentation with a partner — checking in on how it was for them, and letting them know what came up for you, as honestly as possible.
You could also just lie there silently and try to be in the present moment with your partner. Feel whatever it is you're feeling, and see if you can communicate with them with your eyes or touch, enjoying some silence, listening to each other's breath and heartbeat.
Or, you know, it might just be snack time. That's great too.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Bustle; Giphy