You know what's ridiculously unchill? Being a founding father, setting up an entire country's financial system, the Coast Guard, and the New York Post, on top of — gee, NBD — contributing a zillion essays to get our CONSTITUTION passed, and having to wait 211 years for a musical to be written about you and your badassery. Yes, somewhere the ghost of Alexander Hamilton is feeling particularly smug that his feats were finally captured on the stage (and I would know, for at the tender age of 15, I attempted to summon his spirit in my fireplace like all normal teenage girls do at least once). But all this waiting around that Hamilton's ghost did got me thinking — just how long are we going to have to wait for Hillary Clinton's version of Hamilton?
If we go by the general rule of when BAMF politicians get their musicals written, we'll be waiting for hers until roughly 2227. I don't know about you guys, but I subsist of mainly salt, sugar, and two buck chuck, so I'm not gonna make it that long (RIP, me). So really, it's on all of us to speed the process along and get this musical written, stat. And who better to make a political musical about than Hillary Rodham "Not Here For Your Sexist BS" Clinton?
So without further ado, here are some ideas to get you started, People Who Actually Know How To Write Musicals. (Also, DIBS on playing Hillary.)
"HRC" The Musical Opens During The Admissions Exam At Harvard
In a Humans of New York profile, Clinton shared,
"I was taking a law school admissions test in a big classroom at Harvard. My friend and I were some of the only women in the room. I was feeling nervous. I was a senior in college. I wasn’t sure how well I’d do. And while we’re waiting for the exam to start, a group of men began to yell things like: 'You don’t need to be here.' And 'There’s plenty else you can do.' It turned into a real 'pile on.' One of them even said: 'If you take my spot, I’ll get drafted, and I’ll go to Vietnam, and I'll die' And they weren’t kidding around. It was intense. It got very personal. But I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t afford to get distracted because I didn’t want to mess up the test. So I just kept looking down, hoping that the proctor would walk in the room."
This wasn't poignant just because it put her self-professed "walled off" nature into perspective for people calling her out on it — it's poignant because duh, this is the opening scene. Young Hillary is all rock-diva à la Kelly Clarkson, jumping on Harvard's desks while the dumb boys are frozen mid-test, singing her bb heart out and smashing the patriarchy one Ivy League wannabe dude-bro at a time. Obviously the friend she mentioned joins in and the equally kickass, feminist version of "My Shot" gets the ~party started~.
There's A Sassy AF Duet After She And Bill Clinton Meet At Yale
Fun fact: Hillary refused Bill's marriage proposals approximately one zillion times. She shared in her memoir Living History, "I was desperately in love with him but utterly confused about my life and future. So I said, 'No, not now.' What I meant was, 'Give me time.' ... Bill Clinton is nothing if not persistent. He sets goals, and I was one of them. He asked me to marry him again, and again, and I always said no."
Can. You. Even. Imagine. The. SASS. OF. THIS. DUET?!?!?!? "Marry Me/Give Me Time" will be the karaoke smash hit of the 23rd century.
We Have One Of Those Tear-Jerking Montage Numbers To Establish The Passage Of Time
Every musical needs one, so WOOP here it is. A baby doll ages into an adorable child actor who ages into the teenage Chelsea Clinton to mark the passage of time, as Hillary sings the narration of what it's like being the First Lady of Arkansas — all the while, her lines getting interrupted by a well-meaning, but undeniably attention-grabbing Bill Clinton, whose career always seems to come first.
The Night Of Bill Clinton's Election, We Get A Hint Of The "I Want" Song To Come
She's happy for her husband, but like all good Slytherins, she wants something more. The seed has been planted for a long time, but now it's taking root. She's going to become the first female president, and while she waits for her moment, she'll kick all this "First Lady" business in the ass. This is, essentially, her "Wait For It."
We Skip The Rock Song Depicting The Monica Lewinsky Scandal
We're not getting a "Say No To This" or a "Burn" or any other kind of song, because this is not a defining part of Hillary's or Monica's narratives and this musical isn't here for it, bye!
... And Replace It With A Rock Song About The Sh*t-Show That Is George W. Bush's Presidency
He is the John Adams of this musical and this song is going to go nuc-ular.
Hillary Losing The Candidacy To Barack Obama In 2008 = The Power Ballad We've All Been Waiting For
The power ballad "Madame President" is so powerful and ballad-y that it brings the roof down and becomes the audition song of choice for all 18-year-old musical theater college hopefuls for the five following years. Immediately after there will be a direct transition into "Slay," Hillary's version of "Nonstop," where she slay, slay, slays as Secretary of State.
END ACT ONE.
Act Two Opens With A Song By Hillary Clinton's ~Nemesis~
I would say that Donald Trump is the Aaron Burr to Hillary Clinton's Hamilton ... buuuut I don't want to disrespect the dead. (AY-OOOOO, sick Burr-n.) We're introduced to Trump, who is a loud, tone-deaf, death metal screamer launching his plans to run for president with his death metal cronies, as Bernie and Hillary rap battle eloquently in the background and ignore him.
The ~Hillary's Emails~ Pamphlet
This is Hillary's "Reynolds Pamphlets," a crushing rock number featuring Donald Trump, higher-ups in the FBI, and Bernie Sanders. "Well she's never gon' be president now" gets borrowed from Hamilton, except this time it's Trump death-metal shrieking it while twerking and we all kind of wish he would stop, but like a car accident we cannot look away.
EPIC RAP DEBATE BATTLES WITH TRUMP
Wherein he interrupts her 51 times over the course of the five-minute numbers. The lyrics "I’ll remind you that he was NOT Secretary of State" are, of course, featured prominently.
Bill Clinton Will Have A Comedic Relief Number Where He Just Dances With Balloons For Three Minutes
He is, essentially, the Peggy of Act Two. Sorry not sorry. (WERK.)
We Have A Song About A Super Spooky Alternate Universe America Where Trump Wins
And at the end, Hillary Clinton wakes up with a gasp — it was all just a ~horrible dream~. It is, in fact, November 9, 2016, the day after she has won the election. She is the first female president of the United States.
But this musical isn't over yet.
Hillary Clinton And Donald Trump Duel In Weehawken At Dawn
Why would Hillary and Trump have a duel in New Jersey post-election with the same guns she is calling for massive reformation laws to restrict? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, THIS IS MY MUSICAL. *ahem*. Anyway.
Hillary raises her gun in the air like the woman of honor she is; he shoots; she stops the bullet with one scathing look, and using the power of sheer sass, ricochets it up into the sky. Trump's rage is so prolific that he short circuits, and the audience discovers he was a robot being controlled by a tiny alien hiding in his sternum in an attempt to derail the human race and plunder Earth for its resources all along. "I'm out," raps the tiny alien. "Turns out climate change wasn't a hoax perpetuated by the Chinese, and we don't want your garbage planet anymore."
All of Bill Clinton's beloved balloons fall from the sky and Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton #rage with the Trump alien and the shell of his robot body.
THE END.
... But seriously, if someone isn't making this happen already, wanna collab? Hit me up.
Images: Giphy
