We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to stimulate your guy's prostate.
Q: “My boyfriend and I have been experimenting with anal play. He was really nervous at first, but we went slow and eased into it. Now he loves it when I play with his ass while I’m giving him a hand job or blow job. I think we’re both ready to take things to the next level. I’ve heard about the prostate before, and that it’s like the male equivalent of the G-spot in women (not sure if that’s just a myth though…). I’ve mostly stayed right on the edge of his asshole, or just an inch or so in, so I don’t think I’ve gotten deep enough to find the prostate. How do I find the prostate, and how do I play with it once I get there?”
A: Thanks for the question! It’s great that you and your boyfriend are having fun exploring. Just like the G-spot, the prostate is subject to a lot of myths. Allow me to break them down, and clue you in on how to get started. Here are eight tips for exploring the prostate.
Understanding The Prostate Basics
Let’s talk about what the prostate actually is. First of all, it’s not a myth! It does exist. And it actually is rather similar to the G-spot in women. (Women actually have prostate glands as well.) In men, the prostate is a gland located in the lower abdomen, just below the bladder. It’s about the size of a walnut, and swells up when aroused. The prostate is designed to help with reproduction; during orgasm, it secretes a fluid that makes sperm stronger and longer-lasting.
Prostate massage is also said to have health benefits, including decreasing the risk of prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction, though some doctors dispute these claims. But what you’re most interested in are the pleasure benefits of the prostate, which are indisputable! Prostate stimulation can lead to stronger orgasms and multiple orgasms, and some men can even orgasm from prostate stimulation only.
1. Take It Slow
With any sort of anal play, it’s important to be very slow and gentle, especially at first. Make sure your fingernails are clipped short and filed. (Just as you probably don’t like jagged fingernails in your vagina, your partner won’t appreciate them anywhere near his ass.) Make sure you guys have lots of foreplay, and that your partner is feeling relaxed and aroused before you start venturing backdoor. As I mentioned above, the prostate swells when he’s aroused, so getting him really turned on will also make it easier for you to find his prostate.
Once he’s feeling ready, maneuver him into position. One of the best positions for prostate play is to have your guy sit with his back against the wall or headboard, with some pillows propped behind his back. If he puts his feet flat on the bed with his knees spread wide, you’ll get even easier access. Or you can have your guy sit in a shallow armchair, with his butt scooted right to the edge of the seat. You crouch on the ground between his knees.
2. Go For The Perineum First
The prostate is located internally, so you can’t touch it directly. You have two options for stimulating the prostate externally — through the perineum (you may know it as the taint!) or through the rectum. It’s a good idea to start with the perineum first, especially if your partner is a little nervous. Even if you eventually use your finger inside his rectum, it’s still good to warm up with some perineal massage first. It’s a less-direct method (there are more muscles in the way), so you’ll need to use a fair amount of pressure.
Start off gently stroking his perineum with your fingertip, as you use your other hand to jack him off. Gradually increase your level of pressure. Ask him to let you know when the level of pressure feels right; or you can have him push his body against your finger, until he finds the amount of pressure he likes. You may need to switch to using a knuckle if your fingerpad can’t provide enough pressure.
3. Don’t Forget The Lube
If you both feel ready for more, the next step is to try to stimulate his perineum through his rectal wall. If you’re going in, lube is a necessity. The tissues of the rectum are pretty sensitive, so lube will prevent him from feeling pain, and will make the experience much more pleasurable. I always recommend silicone-based lubes for anal play, since they last longer and feel better against the skin. Wicked makes an incredible anal-specific lube. Start with about a quarter-sized amount. Spread it along the outside of his anus, and all over the pointer finger of your dominant hand. Don’t hesitate to add more lube at any time, if necessary.
4. Find It
The prostate is located about two inches into the rectal canal. You don’t have to go too far in; it’s pretty similar to the G-spot in that way. Insert your finger slowly and gently. Have your palm tilted up, with your finger gliding across the top (the side underneath his abdomen) of his rectal canal. You’re feeling around for a walnut-sized ball of tissues. It feels pretty different from the rest of the tissues in the rectum, so you should be able to find it relatively easily.
5. Stimulate It
Once you find the prostate, start making a “come hither” motion with your fingertip, stroking across the top of the prostate. Like you did with the perineum, slowly increase your level of pressure, and keep checking in with your guy about what feels good for him. Once you’ve found the pressure that works, try out a couple of different strokes and see what he likes best. You can try using your fingers in circles, keeping your finger still and applying pressure, or moving your finger in and out.
A quick note: a lot of guys report that they don’t feel much the first few times they have their prostates stimulated. It’s worth giving it at least three tries before making a final decision.
6. Work As A Team
For some of your first explorations, it may help to have you focus on the prostate, and ask him to jack himself off. He’ll love the dual stimulation, and this will give you the opportunity to focus on exploring and getting familiar with his prostate.
7. Consider Using A Toy
Another option you guys can explore is to use a sex toy specifically designed for prostate stimulation. Aneros is known for having an entire range of prostate toys. LELO recently got into the prostate market with toys like the Bruno and Hugo. He can also use the toys to do some exploring on his own.
Images: Bustle; Giphy; LELO