Oh, what a year it has been for Kim Kardashian. From getting married, to launching a tactical assault on the Internet with her Paper Magazine shoot, to announcing her insanely self-congratulatory selfie book, 2014 has represented a memorable chapter in Kim’s life. She laughed, she ugly-cried, she duck-faced for the camera, and she learned some valuable life lessons. Taking the good with the really, really bad, I’ve got some New Year's resolutions that Kim Kardashian may want to contemplate for 2015.
Now, I’m no psychologist, life coach, or shamanic healer — I tried to read my own Tarot once, and I think I totally messed it up, so that probably doesn’t count — however as someone who tracks the events of celebrity goings-on for a living, I believe that my opinion holds a measure of weight. Kim, if you're out there reading this, please take my sincere advice as that of a cultural commentator and, well, friend, who just wants to see you be the best person you can be. Real talk, baby girl.
Now that the days of "Auld Lang Syne" are swiftly approaching, let’s promise to work on ourselves. Without further ado, here are some of the New Year's Resolutions that I’d like to see Kim Kardashian adopt next year.
Be More Body Positive
From those self-shaming Instagram pictures with the infuriating #skinnydays captions, to her criticizing sister Khloe Kardashian for nonexistent weight issues, 2014 was a banner year for Kim sending mixed messages about body image. Even with her confidence about her nude Paper spread, she's still got a long way to go before she sends the right message about how people (especially women) should define their beauty. Perhaps, giving less of a crap about societal standards of beauty would help. This is difficult, but daily affirmations work!
Don't Crop Your Baby Out of Your Pictures
After Kim posted the above picture on Instagram in December with her daughter North cropped out, the Internet exploded in an uproar of indignity. When the people of Twitter called BS on Kim, she called BS right back. "Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look. Can I live?!?!" she tweeted. Yes, Kim. You can live. I would just think twice before doing this again.
Consider Not Throwing Another Kidchella
Unforgettable is the exact word to use to describe North West's first birthday party, a Coachella-themed baby bacchanal that the guest of honor was too young to really enjoy or remember. Kim, if you still want people to believe that you don't spoil your daughter, don't continue to do things like this. Donate the money you would've spent on this private carnival to UNICEF, and get North a cake that she can smash her face into with glee. You're welcome.
Next Time, Before Breaking the Internet, Do Your Research
One can't talk about Kim Kardashian's 2014 without mentioning her notorious Paper magazine nude shoot that was engineered to #breaktheinternet. While the shoot seemed to be delightfully self-aware on one level, that ostensible playful self-deprecation was cancelled out by its racially problematic origins. Next time you intend on busting the Internet, maybe do your research. And cats always help.
Literacy is the key to a rich mental life. Also, it will give you an understanding of how insane the ghost-writer of your selfie book calling you "modern-day personification of Marilyn Monroe" is. The more you know!
Be Nicer to Mom
Moms are wonderful. They're also humiliating. Such is Kim's mom, Kris Jenner, the human excited-face emoji. Even if Kim thinks her mom dresses like a pilgrim, she's got some bratty nerve to berate her mom about it in poorly spellchecked e-mails, as she did in December. If she's turning over a new leaf in 2015, it would behoove Kardashian to be more aware about her tendency to casually criticize her mom. Remember, Kim: Kris is the reason you're here. You can afford to be a little nicer to her.
Happy New Year to you, Kim. Thanks for the 2014 memories.
Image: Getty Images (4); Paper Magazine