I've been going clubbing long before I was supposed to be going clubbing (thank you fake ID), but keeping cool and looking cool at the same time can get pretty hard. Being fat and fashionable when in the club is a big task. It's not just about looking fabulous in a posed picture, but more about strapping everything down so you don't accidentally knock someone out with a rogue breast whilst perfecting the robot.
Usually halfway through the night and most of my way through my drinking budget, I don't care that my foundation has sweated off and I've thrown my hair in a messy bun to get it out of my face. But this doesn't have to be the only way for a fat girl to enjoy clubbing, and it's easy enough to still look polished after vogueing for four hours.
With some help from watching too much Ru Paul's Drag Race, I know plenty of makeup hacks to battle bars where someone else's sweat is literally dripping off of the ceiling. Clothes wise, there are a lot of tips and tricks to not just looking great but feeling comfortable on your night out.
And not only that, but most of the time these tips can make you look even better than you were going to in that super cute dress that's only a bit too small.
1. No Spanx
When I was a stupid 17-year-old, I used to wear Spanx and control tights so constricting I'd literally throw up from wearing them (maybe it was helped along by the alcohol, too). As I've got older and lost my inhibitions, if I attempt to wear Spanx on a night out, I almost always end up throwing them away in the sanitary bin in a toilet.
Just think — it's a dark club where everyone's too busy dancing or making out with each other to look down and clock your VBO. If you're really that worried about your silhouette, invest in some seamless panties; but if you're looking for a confidence boost, just hang out in the ladies' toilet for a while and enjoy the showering of praise that women love giving to each other in there.
2. Buy A Fan
I stole this idea from a cool girl at a festival and I've never looked back. Go buy a fan for a dollar and up your chicness game by using it as you lean against a wall and survey the room. You look chill and you feel chill.
3. Be Confident
It might take a few strong words with yourself and browsing some fatshion Instagrams to convince yourself at the start of the night that your sequin mini looks amazing on you (I promise, it definitely does). But by the end of it, you'll love yourself for having the courage. If you love a look on a thinner girl and you loved it on the hanger, you have no reason to not love it on yourself, too!
4. Avoid Pantyhose — But Avoid Chub Rub
It's 2015: There are a million ways to avoid chub rub without having to wear more clothes. It's hot in the club, your legs look great, and if you'd rather not wear pantyhose, then don't. My personal fave way of avoiding chub rub is spraying deodorant on my thighs and with a spare can of deodorant in my bag, I'm prepared for anything a one night stand may throw at me.
5. Invest In A Good Bra
If you're a top heavy fatty like myself, a good bra is a godsend. On a night out, a good bra feels like it was directly placed on my chest by angels to keep me and my mammary glands comfortable and safe. As a self professed terrible dancer, my dance repertoire involves a lot of jumping around.
Although it might be uglier than your favorite bra, you don't want to be in crippling agony, and you definitely don't want a boob to slap you around the face during a fist pump. And if you end up on a one night stand? Take it off before they can see it, and keep it at the bottom of the pile of clothes on the floor.
Images: Georgina Jones; Giphy