7 Lessons I Learned From My First Threesome

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
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Threesomes, I've had a few. Some I'd like to forget, some I hope to remember, and some are just a blur that, in the moment, seemed brilliant at the time, but then afterward, while the three of us were lying there naked in bed, just seemed... awkward. How do you end a threesome? Does we exchange a kiss on the way out the door? Shake hands? Send a thank you card in the mail later in the week? Or maybe even schedule a second round: "Sure, I'm available a week from Friday around 9 p.m.. How about you two?" Truth be told, my threesome experiences have taught me that I'm not a threesome kinda gal. Which is totally fine.

There are those of us who believe more the merrier in the bedroom, then there are people like me, who have a hard enough time focusing on one person. In other words, threesomes often look better on paper than they do in real life, however, that doesn't stop them from being the number one sexual fantasy for men.

But also truth be told, should the opportunity arise again, I'd probably go for another threesome. It was on my sexual bucket list and although I was able to cross it off that list, it doesn't mean I'm not above trying it again.

However, just like the first time you have sex, you never forget your first threesome. So, since that night is ingrained in my memory forever, here are the seven things I learned.

1It's Awkward To Get Things Started

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Whether it happens organically or because it's been planned in advance, I've found that it's awkward to get things going. In my case, I was living in the Paris at the time (this was 2012) and the guy I was casually seeing suggested it to me. Although I had always wanted to try a threesome, it was not something I had ever brought up with him. So when he threw it out there via text one afternoon, I hesitated for a few minutes before responding with, "Sure!"

When both he and his friend arrived later that night, we sat on the couch, with me in the middle, awkwardly exchanging glances. Exactly who was supposed to start this thing? We each had a class of champagne, then one of them kissed my mouth, while the other kissed my neck. But I imagine if the threesome hadn't been planned in advance, it might have been much smoother — at least in this particular case.

2Being The Center Of Attention Was Overwhelming

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Don't get me wrong, being the center of attention can be a lot of fun. Like, when it's your birthday, or your wedding day, or you're finally celebrating the release of your first novel at your book party — these are perfect times to be the center of the attention. But when it's you and two other people, neither of whom are engaging with each other sexually, you are absolutely the center of attention. You just can't avoid it — all eyes and hands are on you.

3I Wish I Had Known Them Better Before The Threesome

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I was dating one of them, but very casually. Basically, we'd meet up for a glass of wine, then go back to my flat to screw. As for his friend, I had just met him the night of the threesome.

Granted, I felt comfortable with them both and I didn't feel, for even a single second, that things were going to go in the wrong direction and I'd end up in a situation I wouldn't want, but I still wish I knew them both better.

4It's Totally Not Like The Movies

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Not that this should be any surprise, but threesomes IRL are not like they are in the movies. Since I was in Paris, with two hot AF men, I assumed my threesome would play out like a scene from the movie The Dreamers. (If you haven't seen it, you must.) I especially thought this since the guy I had been seeing could have passed for French actor, Louis Garrel's doppleganger. In other words, when it comes to threesomes, expectations and realities rarely coincide.

5Someone Will Ultimately Be Left Out

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Yes, even in threesomes, three's a crowd. What I learned in my first threesome is that, well, I only have so many hands and so many holes. Also, there was no way in hell all of those aforementioned holes were going to be penetrated. I respect any woman who wants to try or loves double penetration, but that's not a road I plan on walking down any time soon.

I also don't perform oral sex on someone I've just met, because that's also one of my "things." For me, oral sex is far more intimate than intercourse, so I've actually only doled it out on three guys during our first sexual encounter — neither one being the two French guys in my threesome.

That being said, as I was giving a hand job to one guy and trying to kiss the other guy, I felt like I was leaving someone out and not giving them 100 percent of my attention. Had the men in the situation been sexually involved with each other during all of this, it would have made for far more equality, in regards to attention, because there are a ton of MMF threesome positions we could have covered.

6Laying Down Some Ground Rules Is A Must

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I spent 75 percent of the threesome saying what I did and didn't want to — all of which were respected by my partners. But I do think that I was ruining the mood in the way I sort of manned the ship with my demands — and they were demands. "No, I don't like that. Um, OK, but only if you do it this way. I can't put your penis in my mouth right now... I mean, I have a penis in my vagina, give me some space, please."

Had we covered all this beforehand, I could have avoided ruining the moment, which I know I did, because even I felt it.

7It's Best To Just Say Goodbye And Not Mess With A Long Drawn-Out Ending

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After we did what we could to make this threesome happen, as in they both had an orgasm and I did not, we all retreated to the living room for a glass of wine. The only mention of what had taken place in the bedroom was by Guillaume, the guy I had been seeing, who remarked, "Well, that was interesting." Which, to be honest, was the only word that really fit the threesome. It was a lot of other things, too, but interesting seemed to encompass it best in that moment.

Just as I was about to lie about having an early deadline, they both offered up their own excuses to leave. What else was there? Were we going to sit there and recap it? Talk about what plans we had for the weekend? Discuss Nicolas Sarkozy who was still the president of France at the time?

When they both got up to leave, we exchanged the customary double kiss on each cheek as the French do. The American in me wanted to follow up with a handshake or a hug, but I followed their lead and said, "au revoir."

The threesomes that would follow after that first one would be a lot more fun and far smoother in how they were executed. They'd also be with people I knew more intimately, something I realized really made all the difference in regards to sexual satisfaction in a threesome. But still, despite the awkwardness, if having a threesome is on your bucket list, I encourage you to give it a try. Like I said, given the opportunity, I'd totally do it again. But, of course, I'm a bit more prepared every time.