Have you ever paid attention to the thoughts you have during sex? I'm sure many of them are empowering and amazing. After all, you're doing your thing, having a good ol' time, and blowing your partner's mind. (Naturally.)
But not all sex thoughts are this positive. In fact, some of them can be kind of a letdown. If you're like most people on the planet, you might find yourself worrying about your performance, or what your body looks like, or whether or not it's obvious you had garlic for dinner.
These less-than-confident thoughts have occurred to everyone at some point, and that's to be expected. After all, sex is the most intimate thing ever, so it's normal to feel the tiniest bit self-conscious or a tad bit anxious. But letting your mind run away with you? Well, that doesn't do anyone any good.
"Worrying during sex causes so much more stress ... and makes it really hard to enjoy yourself," says lecturer and sexuality expert Alexis Thomas, who owns the sex positive store Taboo Tabou in Chicago. Since that's definitely not what you want, try reeling your thoughts back in next time they wander. It may be easier said than done, but bring that focus back to you and your partner, and away from those pesky thoughts. I promise — you'll have so much more fun.
1. "Is my partner enjoying this? They don't look like they're enjoying this..."
While it's obviously important (and oh so very sexy) to pay attention to your partner's needs, it shouldn't be your one and only goal — especially if it starts to stress you out, Thomas tells me. So if you catch yourself worrying about them, try focusing on yourself for awhile. I promise you (and your partner) will have a better time as a result.
2. "I hope I have the most amazing orgasm ever."
Some people (most people?) are all about that orgasm, and there can be a lot of pressure to make it happen. But the harder you try, it seems the more elusive it becomes. So do yourself a favor and try to stop thinking about it. "If you begin to look at intercourse as less goal-oriented and more pleasure-oriented, you'll find a lot of your fears disappear," Thomas says.
3. "I bet I'm being way too loud."
There is no right or wrong amount noise to make during sex. But it certainly can become a point of concern — especially if you feel like you sound weird, too loud, or too quiet. So keep in mind, it's normal to scream and moan or just lie there quietly enjoying yourself, according to sex writer Suzannah Weiss on EverydayFeminism.com. The choice is (obviously) yours.
4. "Did I remember to shave? Or shower? Or put on some lotion?"
When someone's all up in your business, it's totally normal to worry about stray hairs and/or interesting smells. But you know what? When you're in the moment, it shouldn't matter one bit. (Or ever, for that matter.) As dating expert David Barry tells me, your partner is mostly focused on the joy of getting to be with you — not your BO or the prickliness of your legs.
5. "I wonder what I look like from their POV."
I doubt there's a person on the planet who hasn't wondered about their orgasm face, or what they look like whilst in certain sex positions. But again, these are simply distracting thoughts that take you out of the moment. As Thomas says, "Worrying about how you look during sex is going to cause so much more stress and ... make it really hard to enjoy yourself." It's easier said than done of course, but it's just not worth thinking about.
6. "We sure have been in this position for a minute..."
If you find yourself overthinking your position, it can (again) take you out of the moment. So don't be afraid to say something to your partner, matchmaking and dating expert Stef Safran tells me. And don't be afraid to stay in "boring" positions, either. "Sometimes old school positions can offer a great experience."
7. "I'm totally about to pee all over this person."
Ever get that feeling during sex that you might pee? As Thomas tells me, it's a normal sensation that many women have when they're about to orgasm. Knowing it's not likely to happen can help you stop worrying. But for that little extra security, make it a point to pop off to the bathroom pre-sex.
8. "Am I too into this?"
Society isn't always exactly pro sex, so you might find yourself worrying about appearing "too into it," Thomas tells me. And yet, this thought is a total waste of your brain space. If you're into it, you're into it. If you're not, you're not. Either way, there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.
9. "Their ex was definitely more experienced than me."
If you're with someone new and they are blowing your mind, you might get caught up in some self-conscious thoughts about their ex. Were they a total sex god? Did they teach them everything? It's normal to wonder, but there's no need for comparison. As Safran says, "Plenty of men and women have met someone that they truly connect with after lots or little experience."
These thoughts — the positives, the negatives, and each one in between — can all crop up during sex. If they bother you, or take you out of the moment, feel free to banish them from you head, once and for all.
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