My New Boyfriend Says It’d Be Hot If I Sent Him Feet Pics. Help!

Q: I’m seeing someone new. The first time we hooked up, he kissed and licked my feet. It kind of threw me, but I went along with it. Afterward, he told me he has a thing for feet. He seemed kind of embarrassed to talk about it, but he said it’d be hot if I could let him choose my pedicure color or if I’d send him pics of my feet.

I feel kind of weird about it, but I can’t tell if that’s because it’s just not my thing or if I’m biased because so many people make fun of foot fetishes. I like him, I didn’t mind the sensation of having my feet licked, and I don’t want him to feel self-conscious about this, but I’m also not sure how to feel or what to do.

A: What makes sex so hot and what makes sex so fraught is that it’s a negotiation of two (or more) people’s desires. Sometimes people are going to suggest or do things that make you horny years later just to recall. Other times, well, someone’s gonna lick your toes.

There are all kinds of things that people do in bed that hold zero appeal to me (like using a really firm pillow). Many are acts that I wouldn’t mind on occasion if a partner expressed desire to do so. Of course, there are all kinds of sexual things that are beyond “not my favorite” and are firmly off-limits.

If there is something you dislike in bed for any reason, you should not do it, and your partner should not ask again after being told no the first time. Even if it’s their birthday. Even if they just want to try it once. The answer is no!

But that doesn’t sound like where you’re at. You sound like you’re more like me at a sushi restaurant: down to go and order a California roll, happy for my partner who is fawning over the sashimi.

When it comes to his interest in feet, it seems like you’re… fine. That said, his fetish should not become the focus. It doesn’t have to come up every time you have sex because it isn’t actively turning you on. It’s neutral. It might not be a turn off, but it’s something you’re only doing for him.

Maybe you’re totally fine with him choosing your pedicure color, but you don’t like sending feet pics. Maybe you’re OK with the occasional foot massage before sex, but you’re turned off by full-on toe sucking. Just tell him!

I would not go to a sushi restaurant every single night. My boyfriend knows I don’t like seafood, so he chooses it less often than he would if left to his own devices. Sex isn’t tit for tat, but it is supposed to be mutually beneficial.

Be open with your boyfriend about where you’re at right now. Maybe you’re totally fine with him choosing your pedicure color, but you don’t like sending feet pics. Maybe you’re OK with the occasional foot massage before sex, but you’re turned off by full-on toe sucking. Just tell him!

Here’s a short script that might help you: “Hey, I am totally fine with trying some foot stuff. I’m not into X or Y, but I think I’d be OK with Z. Let’s try it and see how it goes. As a head’s up, I’m not going to want to do this every time we have sex.”

Your preferences might change in the future; that’s to be expected. The sex you have with a long-term partner shifts and adjusts naturally. Maybe you find out that you’re more into foot stuff than you expected. Or you guys both get into another, more mutual kink. Or anything! Sex lives and drives and desires change.

If you end up trying foot play and instead feel yourself getting more reluctant, that’s a good sign to redraw the boundaries. Listen to yourself. Trust your gut. If it starts to make you feel ashamed or used or turned off at any point, tell your partner.

As for being embarrassed about foot play? Understandable. It shouldn’t be embarrassing by any means, but it’s certainly a common punchline, so I get it. The good news: You don’t owe anyone a play-by-play of your sex life. You can keep this to yourself and simply say “thank you” when a friend compliments your toenail color.

It’s phenomenal that you’re opening up to each other about your desires. Please make sure you’re also bringing up what you’re into, too! This conversation might be a good time to do so. It’s not about keeping score or anything, but your overall sex life should be equally hot for you both, even if every single sex act isn’t your ultimate favorite.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.