I'm no expert on sex and sexuality. I mean, I just turned 26 years old, so I'm really not an expert on anything at this point in my life. That said, in the five years since I became sexually active (I know, I know, late bloomer over here) I've realized that sex is inherently kind of weird, and that the "weird" things everyone does during sex — like substituting spit for lube or cracking awkward jokes mid-bang — aren't actually that weird at all.
The fact that sex gets weird sometimes is a universal truth that I think everyone can relate to. Regardless of whether you're gay, straight, bi, trans, polyamorous, or monogamous as hell, every sexually active person has probably felt mortified by the "weird" things people sometimes do in bed, and I totally get it. Most of us grow up seeing sex portrayed in TV shows, movies, and books as this serious, magical, romantic event where the lighting is always ideal, no one says anything stupid, and everyone has multiple orgasms. That's not realistic, though, and if you spend too much energy trying to keep your sex life completely free of "weirdness" you'll probably only make it weirder — and not in a fun way.
So the next time you do one of these "weird" things during sex — like randomly think about an ex partner or start laughing out loud — try to remember that most of the "weird" things that happen during sex are actually totally normal things that everyone has done at some point.
1. Making Ridiculous Faces
You know that moment during sex when you look at your partner's face and immediately want to giggle? Yeah, well, guess what? If their sex faces are kind of goofy looking, then yours probably are too. Don't sweat it, though. Everyone makes weird faces during sex, and in my experience, even "weird" sex faces can sometimes be arousing as hell.
2. Cracking Awkward Jokes
Maybe you never have sex when you're stoned or tipsy. Or maybe you're just super chill whether you're sober or not, have unfailing confidence in your sex skills, and thus never feel nervous before or during sex. If you're like me at all, however, then you probably get a little nervous about sex sometimes — especially when you're adjusting to a new sexual partner — and end up cracking anxiety-induced jokes like some kind of naked, millenial Chandler Bing.
If this sounds like you, know that it's really OK. I've never had a partner who didn't occasionally crack jokes during sex, and I've done it more times than I can count. It's not a big deal. Everyone does it.
3. Laughing Uncontrollably
Sometimes the jokes people crack during sex are funny. Other times, no jokes are made, but laughter happens anyway because having sex isn't always a serious experience. Whatever the circumstances of your next mid-coital giggle-fest, though, know that laughing out loud during sex isn't a weird thing to do. It's a perfectly normal reaction to have when funny, awkward stuff happens while you're naked with another person. It can also be kind of bonding if your partner starts laughing with you. Plus, if you're nervous, laughing is a great way to loosen up.
4. Thinking About What You're Going To Do Afterwards
Is it weird to compile your grocery list, randomly start thinking about an ex partner, or wonder if dogs have favorite songs while you're getting it on? Maybe, but I don't think it's uncommon to find yourself mentally elsewhere during sex, either. Living in the present is challenging no matter what you're up to, and sometimes sex gets boring. Even during really good sex, though, everyone's mind wanders a little bit. I feel like this is even more true during oral sex, am I right?
5. Using Spit As Lube
Despite what every porno would have us believe, spit doesn't work as well as lube. We all know this. Unfortunately, though, sometimes you have to make due with spit, and there's really nothing weird about that. I mean, why wouldn't you substitute spit for lube whenever necessary? Spit is wet, lube is wet, and vaginal dryness is the worst.
6. Clenching Butt Cheeks To Hold In Farts
I know sex is supposed to be sexy and all, but I think everyone has had to work hard to hold in farts during sex before. I know I have. Unfortunately, I haven't always been successful, either.
7. Following Up An Embarrassing Queef With, "That Wasn't A Fart!"
I don't know why it's so important to make this distinction, but it is. At least, it is for me. Whenever I queef during sex, this explanation spews from my mouth before I even know what's happening. So trust me, I get that queefing during sex seems like this really weird thing, but it's so common. Sex-queefing happens occasionally to everyone who has a vagina, so don't stress about it.
8. Making Sex Sounds That Aren't Authentic
Like many women, I'm vocal as hell, so my sex sounds are usually legit. There have definitely been times when I felt like I had to perform vocally during sex, though, and that lead me to make some noises that didn't accurately convey how I was feeling at the time.
Fortunately, the older I get, the more I try to be authentic during sex. Hopefully, that's the case for you as well. Either way, I know I'm not the only person who has caught themselves moaning on auto-pilot before, because everyone struggles to be themselves in bed sometimes.
9. Bringing Up Your Ex
Hopefully this doesn't happen every single time you have sex, but if your sexual experiences have been anything like mine, then both you and your partners have probably overshared in bed before. Maybe you were just trying to help your new partner bring you to orgasm, but you ended up talking about the weirdest thing you've ever masturbated to. Or worse, you ended up going into way too much detail about how your ex partners used to get you off.
It's pretty much always awkward as hell, but in my experience, oversharing usually comes from a place of good intentions and/or nervousness. So don't beat yourself up over it when you do it, and don't read too much into it when your partners do it. Word vomiting during sex feels mortifying in the moment for sure, but we're all guilty of it, and it's usually pretty hilarious in retrospect.
Images: Paramount Pictures; Giphy/(8)