We Might Have Found Our Next 'Bachelor'

by Sara Steinfeld

We're three weeks deep into The Bachelorette, and I think it's already safe to say that we've the 2015 group of Bachelorette guys is pretty special. We've got cupcake boys, spiritual healers, self-obsessed jerks, and virtually everything in between, and I have to say, I'm loving it. I don't know about all of you, but every time I watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, I can't help but play favorites with certain contestants, and then, I secretly find myself rooting for one in particular to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. Well, true to form, it's already happening with this group of contestants, and I'm already excited for one guy to take the Bach crown next season. Or, better yet, maybe they'll pick two guys and have the women vote like they did to Britt and Kaitlyn! Fair is fair, right?

Bustle's Lindsey Kupfer already ranked the boys based on hometown population, so, now, I've decided to issue a comprehensive ranking of all of this season's hopeful dudes based on who's most likely to be the Bachelor next season. The listing goes from least likely to most likely, and it includes all the contestants, even the ones that didn't make it past Kaitlyn's first rose ceremony. Ready for some fun and generally unfounded judgment? Great, let's go!

25. Ryan M.

We will not consider him for anything FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

24. Kupah

Oh, Kupah. How I dislike thee. His infamous blowout from last week's episode makes it pretty safe to say that not only will he not be the Bachelor, he also will likely have to work harder to get a date now, because no one likes a self-obsessed rage monster.

23. Bradley

So, Bradley was sent home, right? I honestly don't even know who this guy is and am concerned that he's just a Bachelorette producer who somehow snuck his way onto the contestant list. (Just kidding, but, really, who is he?)

22. Shawn E.

Not even playing, if the next Bachelor walked up to a bunch of ladies and was like, "Hi, hello, try not to get too excited, but I'm an amateur sex coach," I would spit all of my wine at my television, throw the television out the window, and never watch anything or think about sex ever again. Besides, if Shawn E. is going to get past his "amateur" status, he won't have any time to be the Bachelor, anyway.

21. Cory

Who are you and also how did your arms get so large, Cory? I don't know enough about this contestant for him to make it very high on my list.

20. Josh

I wouldn't put it past Josh/the producers to make him the Bachelor next season, only because he has a knack for showing up on multiple TV shows. At least, he does if this tweet is to be believed:

19. David

David's comfortably sitting here in what might as well be the "meh" section of the list, because I literally have no feelings about him and apparently neither did Kaitlyn because she sent him home immediately. #Burn.

18. Jonathan

I'm just waiting for the blowout that's bound to happen when Kaitlyn finds out that Jonathan voted for Britt. I don't think we'll be seeing much more of him, this season or otherwise.

17. Tanner

Tanner seems like a kinda cool guy? I think? Maybe? Can anyone else tell that I don't think this guy has much of a personality? OK, great.

16. Justin

Yes, this is the guy that all of the guys were essentially ding-dong-ditching for about 20 minutes during the second week's episode. So, you know, not the brightest bulb.

15. Ryan B.

Remember Samantha from last season? The brunette who almost never spoke and stuck around for a weirdly long time despite the fact that literally no one knew who she was? I think that's what Ryan B. will be like. Because he's still around, right? I'm pretty sure I glimpsed him during last week's pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.

14. Tony

He's high up on this list because, if anyone's going to be made the Bachelor for his entertainment value and to find the weirdest women, it's Tony.

13. Corey

I'm curious to see what'll happen with Corey. He's a 30-year-old Wall Street guy, which would definitely be an interesting change of pace of the next Bachelor, especially after farmboy Chris.

12. JJ

JJ seems like the kind of guy who would be able to talk his way into becoming the next Bachelor. Like, the producers wouldn't realize that they'd agreed to it until they had found all of the lady contestants and were filming the premiere and then there'd just be no going back.

11. Joe

Every reality show needs a healthy dose of Ryan Seacrest, and when he's not available, Joe, his body double can fill in.

10. Joshua

The steel rose will never not be one of the cutest things I've ever seen anyone give anyone ever. Ever.

9. Jared

Love Man could sneak up on us, especially after his showing during Week 2's group date. I mean, the guy basically got a concussion, but he still managed to come back and adorably mack on Kaitlyn. He's got some Bachelor potential buried deep within those sharp and rather dangerous-looking cheekbones.

8. Daniel

His face is so friendly, it's practically screaming, "I could totally reject women in a completely normal and not humiliating way during a rose ceremony."

7. Brady

How big of a twist would it be if his relationship with Britt ended up not working out and they brought him back as the Bachelor next season?

6. Ian

Ian is such a dreamboat, and he'd probably be the smartest Bachelor on record. I'd probably try to get on the show if Ian were the ultimate prize.

5. Clint

Despite the fact that the recent promos involving Clint and JJ have been upsetting people, I really enjoy him. I thought his one-on-one date with Kaitlyn was adorable, and he has a pretty spectacular social media presence. He's controversial, but what good Bachelor isn't? It's all about the drama.

4. Ben H.

He's such a precious pea. I just want to snuggle him and watch Chris Harrison mentor him, love guru-style.

3. Ben Z.

He is equal parts adorable, rugged, sexually seductive, and sensitive, and those would be some fun qualities. Also, if he's the Bachelor, we could bring Jillian and her butt censor bar from last season back so they could talk exercise together!

2. Shawn B.

The only reason he's not number one on this list is because I think he and Kaitlyn will end up together, therefore he cannot be the Bachelor next season. #Science.

1. Cupcake Chris

I love cupcake Chris with all of my heart, and I've literally never seen anyone so happy as Chris was when he rode in that cupcake car. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible to be in love with someone I've only briefly seen on television, but apparently it is because that's what has happened. Cupcake Chris is number one on this list because I don't think he and Kaitlyn will end up together. I think he'll get as far as the fantasy suite at the very least, only to be sent home and brought back as the Bachelor next season. Let's look at the facts: He's a dentist, so he's got more of a legit job than most; he's precious; he's already proved that he has the potential to be a makeout king á la Chris Soules; and finally, everyone knew he was right from the very first episode. If he's not the future Bachelor, then I'm Chris Harrison's future wife. Actually, if that's the case, then I'm cool if Cupcake doesn't get it.

So, there you have it. Only time will tell if my rankings hold any water. Until then, let's just hope that Nick Viall doesn't mess things up too badly when he makes his valiant return.

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Images: Craig Sjodin/ABC (26)