14 Thoughts You Don’t Have If You Are Deeply Connected To Your Partner
Even if you feel connected to your partner, there will still be ups and downs in your relationship, including moments of uncertainty, confusion, and jealousy — among other things. And that's OK. All relationships have good times and bad. But if you work on creating an even deeper connection, these moments don't have to tear you apart, or cause you too much worry.
It's important to keep in mind, though, that the work is never really done when it comes to getting to know each other — and creating a healthy bond. "Being deeply connected means knowing and loving your partner on a level that goes beyond the day-to-day," Joshua Klapow, PhD, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, tells Bustle. "It means knowing and continuing to learn about their hopes, dreams, fears, desires, and frustrations." And working through problems together.
It takes time and effort, for sure. But it doesn't have to be particularly difficult. "It’s about both partners being their authentic selves and choosing to share it with one another," counselor Robert Sullivan, MA, MHC tells Bustle. "It means being vulnerable and emotionally close enough to your partner to really know them and let them know you."
If you decide together that's what you'd like to do, your relationship will deepen. And over time, you may even find that you have fewer thoughts and worries like the ones below, all thanks to the strength of your connection.
1. "I Feel Jealous"
"Jealousy is typically driven by insecurity and a desire for control," Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. Which is why, for couples who have a deep connection, this is one feeling that's a little less likely to creep in.
There may still be tiny moments of jealousy here and there. But instead of arguing about it or feeling burdened, you'll both view it as a time to slow down, talk, and figure out where the jealousy is coming from, so it's less likely to happen again.
2. "I Can't Be Myself"
Having a deep connection means being able to do and say what feels most genuine — within reason, of course — because you know you'll always have the respect and love of your partner.
As Bennett says, "With a deep connection, you know that your partner loves and appreciates you, flaws and all. While you should always strive to be your best self, a deep connection gives you security that, even as an imperfect human, you are loved and accepted."
3. "The Future Feels Uncertain"
Other worry-thoughts that ease up once you begin working on creating a connection with your partner, are those related to uncertainty — including wondering about the future of the relationship.
"Developing a deep connection allows you to have a sense of certainty in your relationship," Bennett says. "It doesn’t mean everything is perfect all of the time. However, it does mean that you know, even through the difficulties, that you will never give up on each other."
4. "Do They Actually Love Me?"
In a deeply connected relationship, there's a foundation of love that both partners are able to fall back on, Dr. Klapow says, which makes it less likely either of you will worry about being loved.
"You may worry that your partner is mad at you, frustrated with you, disappointed — but in a connected relationship you will know in your soul that they love you," he says. "The relationship is more about growing the love, nurturing the love, than it is about whether or not the love is there."
5. "Do I Even Respect Them?"
While you might have moments where you aren't very happy with your partner, you won't question your respect for them.
"When they engage in behaviors you disapprove of you call the behaviors into question, not the person," Dr. Klapow says. Instead of judging, you're both willing to talk about things you don't agree on, in a respectful and caring way.
And from there, setting up boundaries you can both stick to can keep the respect alive.
6. "Can I Count On Them?"
If a relationship lacks a deep connection, a couple might wonder if they can truly count on each other when times get tough.
But this won't be the case if your relationship has a strong foundation — or at least one that's well on its way to becoming strong.
"In a connected relationship you know that even if things get very bad, they will be there to help and chip in and see the events through," Dr. Klapow says.
7. "Will They Still Love Me If I Change?"
Whether you're switching jobs, going back to school, or trying something new, you won't have to worry about asking your partner for support, because it'll already be there.
"You know that they see you not only as a partner but also as an autonomous person who grows, evolves, and develops on your own," Dr. Klapow says. "They will want to be a part of that and they'll want to see you succeed."
Of course, there are things any couple can continue to work on, as the relationship grows. And learning how to give support and encouragement is definitely one of them.
8. "Will Our Relationship Fall Apart?"
Unstable relationships tend to have an undercurrent of worry, centered around whether one partner will stay or go. And especially so when times get tough. But if you and your partner are on the same page, that's less likely to be the case.
"You won't worry about these things as they pertain to your relationship because you know you are loved, valued, and cared for by your partner," psychologist and couples therapist Jenev Caddell, PsyD, tells Bustle. "You are deeply connected, understand your partner's inner world and your place in it — and vice versa."
10. "Do We Want The Same Things?"
When you're next-level connected, "you have a good sense of each other’s values and goals in life and you are largely on the same page," Nicole Issa, PsyD, psychologist and relationship expert, tells Bustle.
You talk about what you want for the future, what's important to you — even if it feels uncomfortable at first. "Having these types of conversations is a sign of depth of emotional connection," Dr. Issa says.
Of course, if you aren't sure what your partner wants, you can make it a priority to find out. By asking questions, listening to each other, and talking about the future, you'll learn more — and feel closer as a result.
11. "They're Not Being Fair"
"Being in a healthy, deeply connected relationship certainly does not mean you will never disagree or argue," Dr. Issa says. "It does, however, mean that you know how to fight fairly, where to draw the line, and are able to be solution-oriented during disagreements."
Again, this is something that takes practice, and evolves over time. But deeply connected couples know how truly important it is.
12. "I Wonder What They're Thinking?"
Having a deep connection doesn't turn you into a mind reader, but it does make communication easier in a relationship since you can trust that your partner will always be open with you. "It also means that when they do share their thoughts and feelings with you, you trust that it genuinely reflects what is going on for them," Sullivan says. So you never have to guess.
13. "I Hope I Can Trust Them"
"Trust is one of the foundational pieces of deep connection," Sullivan says. "When you are deeply connected with your partner, you aren’t worried that [they are] being dishonest or doing things that you wouldn’t be OK with when you aren’t around."
Instead, you know that no matter the situation, the relationship always comes first for both of you.
14. "Can I Be Truly Honest?"
It takes time to build the type of relationship where you can truly open up, and go to your partner with any type of problem you're having, or any concerns.
"Some issues may need to be approached more deftly than others, but overall you should be able to discuss anything that’s on your mind without the threat of a [...] dysfunctional response on their part," Jane Reardon, licensed therapist and founder of RxBreakup, tells Bustle.
Of course, these are all things a couple has to work on — and it's work that's never really done. At any stage, it's always possible to make your relationship stronger, learn more about each other, and deepen your connection.