It's perfectly fine to have the occasional worry or doubt about your relationship. Most worries can come be easily overcome if you decide to make healthy changes, and work together with your partner. And yet, if certain issues keep coming back to haunt you, it may be a
sign your partner isn't "The One" after all.
For example, you may start to realize that
you and your partner aren't compatible, that they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, or that they simply don't seem ready to make a long-term commitment. In those moments, it's important to think about what you really want, and if you're willing to stick it out.
"While some worry is unfounded, if you have a persistent gut feeling that something is wrong, you can’t ignore it," Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at
Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. If things seem unfixable, it may be best to move on and find someone who's a better fit, who shares your goals, and so on.
If you'd like to make your relationship work, however, you can certainly try. "If you have a concern [...] bring it your [partner's attention]," Bennett says. By talking about it, you may be able to put it behind you once and for all, and go on to have a healthy long-term relationship. Here are a few things you shouldn't have to keep
worrying about in your relationship — especially if your partner is "The One."
Whether Or Not You Actually Enjoy Their Company
While relationships can't be over-the-top fun every moment of every day, that doesn't mean you should feel bored with your partner in a way that seems unfixable.
"You're about to spend decades together," Andrea Amour, founder of
UpDate Coaching, tells Bustle. "If you're not having fun, you should seriously consider whether it's something you can change or whether it's just a mismatched relationship." Can you go on more fun dates? Or spend meaningful time together?
Your partner may seem great on paper. But if you'd rather watch paint dry than hang out with them for an extended period of time, they may not be "The One."
If You Want The Same Things For The Future
After a certain point in your relationship, you should know for sure that you two are on the same page in terms of
goals for the future. "Otherwise, you’re wasting your time," Bennett says. "If you worry that you and your partner have different life goals (e.g. regarding marriage, kids, location, etc.), then it’s a good indication your partner isn’t right for you. The key is honest communication and not trying to sugarcoat what your partner says to hear what you want to hear."
Whether Or Not They Have An Anger Problem
Many people are able to work on their shortcomings. And being in a relationship means remaining supportive as they do. But some problems — such as ongoing anger issues — can be incredibly toxic, and possibly not worth the effort.
your partner has an anger problem and throws temper tantrums or hissy fits, perhaps [they aren't] emotionally mature enough for an adult relationship (no matter the age)," Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of , tells Bustle. Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today
Everyone's entitled to a bad day, and it's OK to argue. But you should never feel unsafe or at a loss for what to do. "Couples need to be able to disagree and work toward solutions together," Dr. Tessina says. "If [your] partner tries to tyrannize [you] with anger, tears, tantrums or scenes, then the [relationship] will not be a happy one."
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
If They've Got Your Back
Has your partner left you hanging in the past? Are you constantly worried they'll do it again? "A one-time occurrence should not be a big deal, especially if they apologize,"
Davida Rappaport, psychic and spiritual counselor, tells Bustle. "But if they repeatedly drop the ball, don’t keep their word, and you are left wondering if you should accept this behavior, your partner probably is not 'The One.'"
For a relationship to last long-term, "you should be able to know that their word is good," Rappaport says. This can be worked on and improved, if you decide to give them another chance. But if it keeps happening, they
may not be soulmate material.
"When your partner picks up their phone, it's normal to wonder who they're chatting with, but not to the point of
worry," Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist and therapeutic relationship coach, tells Bustle. "There's a difference between worry and wonder."
If it's not a big deal, they'll tell you who they're talking to and you'll be able to move on. Doing so is a sign you have a trusting, respectful relationship. Take note, though, if you catch yourself feeling suspicious more often than not.
It may be a sign something's up, and possibly even that your
partner isn't as trustworthy as you once thought. Or, it could be a sign you don't have enough trust in your relationship. By talking about it with your partner, you may be able to create boundaries — and feel more secure as a result. If not, they may not be "The One."
Why They're Still Talking To An Ex
Similarly, a relationship can't move forward if you're constantly
worrying about your partner's ex. "If your partner is still talking to the ex, you may ‘feel’ that they still love their ex and that they are unable or unwilling to let them go," Rappaport says. And that just won't do.
"While it may be
fine for them to be in touch with them from time to time, especially if they are still friends, you have to make sure your feeling is not jealousy and that there is nothing in their conversation that is romantic," she says. "If you are insecure, you may not be sure your instincts are correct. If you are secure in yourself and your relationship, your instincts may be telling you that your partner is not the one for you because they cannot let their ex go."
The only way to discern the truth is to ask your partner, and judge for yourself. Again, a long-term relationship can't be built upon distrust or jealousy, so this is something you'll want to address ASAP.
If Their Family Is Undermining Your Relationship
If you find yourself worrying about in-laws or the effect other family members might be having on your life, take note.
"Your instincts may indicate that
your partner has family members that are constantly undermining your relationship," Rappaport says. "While you may have that feeling, you can actually see them at work or they avoid you completely. If this is the case and your partner does not stand up for you, you need to know that you will never get the support you need from your partner and they are not the right partner for you."
If your partner is a good one, however, they'll step in and establish boundaries so that any potentially toxic family members know to back off. Which is, of course, what they'll do if any of the issues above are weighing heavy on your mind.
It's possible to work through these issues, and have a happy relationship — but it will take effort and a
desire to change. If that doesn't seem to be in the cards, it may be an additional sign your partner isn't "The One."