How To Make Scheduled Sex Feel Spontaneous, According To Relationship Experts
Couples scheduling sex is nothing new. A recent study of 1,000 adults by Sleep Judge found that couples scheduling sex is actually quite common. According to their study, 29.9% of married couples reported “often” scheduling sex, while 27.1% reported “always” scheduling sex. But it’s not just married couples who do this. In fact, as the study found, unmarried couples are even more likely to schedule sex, with 37.1% reporting they “often” schedule it. Scheduling sex can help keep intimacy alive in an LTR, but despite its efficacy, it does have an unfair reputation for being boring. But scheduled sex can still feel spontaneous, sex and relationship experts say.
"Contrary to popular opinion, scheduling sex isn't boring," holistic sex and relationship expert Kim Anami, tells Bustle. "While scheduling sex dates might feel unsexy because they’re just that — scheduled — they end up becoming a beacon to look forward to in your week once you get into the habit."
While it might seem like scheduling sex can take the spontaneity out of it, that doesn't have to be the case. Sex isn't just about intercourse, and with a little creativity you and your partner can enjoy scheduled sex that is fun, fulfilling, exciting, and even surprising. Here are nine ways to make scheduled sex feel far more spontaneous than you ever thought possible.
1. Keep The Details To Yourself
Sure, sex may be on the calendar, but what kind of sex? Will there be food involved? Maybe watching some porn together to set the mood? Will things really get adventurous and include a third party?
"A great way to make [scheduled sex] feel more exciting is to keep what’s on the menu a secret," Anami says. "You can stir up some titillation and allude to the fact that there’s something special coming, but you don’t have to say what it is."
Ultimately, the sky's the limit so teasing your partner, which can be a turn-on for you too, will definitely inject some excitement in there.
2. Practice Very Extended Foreplay
Scheduled or not, no romp is complete without foreplay. And if you can stretch that foreplay out, even better.
"It can be just as sexy — or sexier — to plan out a sex date and build the anticipation with days of foreplay," Anami says.
Not only is about building anticipation, but about building sexual tension too.
"If sex is on the schedule, then you can look forward to it, anticipate it, send sexy teasing texts to one another to build the anticipation even more," love coach and host of Ready for Love Radio Nikki Leigh, tells Bustle. "Then when it's time... you will be more than ready for a hot, juicy time together."
3. Take The Opportunity To Really Explore Your Bodies
"When the date starts you can tell your partner you’re going to focus on a particular area for an extended amount of time and all they have to do is let go," Anami says. "This could be the breasts, ass, cock, vulva, thighs, etc., and anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour!"
As Anami points out, focusing on one specific part of a partner's body is most likely the kind of attention they've never received before in their life.
"Going the distance in this way with your partner is an important key for the deeper, life-changing orgasms," Anami says. "Then on the next date you can pick another body part!"
4. Choose A Theme
If you've ever been to a theme party, then you already know that themes can really turn up the fun. Anami suggests implementing themes in your scheduled sex to give it a dose of spontaneity. "[You can] talk ahead of time about what you want to explore. Then you can plan out the evening, buy props, and think of scenarios." She suggests making every fourth Friday BDSM night, for example, but any theme that works for you and your partner can work.
5. Realize Intercourse Isn't The Only "Sex"
Although we tend to think of sex as intercourse, it really is an umbrella under which many things fall. From oral, to anal, to sexual spanking, to fulfilling fetishes that don't involve any penetration of any kind, sex encompasses a lot of things. If we take the traditional thinking that sex is just intercourse, then we can delve into far deeper and more exciting oceans.
"When you remove the goal of sex, it creates an intimate and safe setting for time spent together to explore, play, touch, and be with each other," sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Bustle. "This allows for the build up of sexual energy, which makes sex easier and more spontaneous because it does not feel like a chore to perform."
And, let's be honest, sex should never, ever feel like a chore — even if it is scheduled.
6. Give It 100%
When you do have your scheduled sex, don't half-ass it. Give it your all and see it as something that's more than just about the physical, and something that involves the mental and emotional parts of ourselves as well.
"I’m a huge advocate of three-hour sex dates," Anami says. "One of the reasons why is it really gives you an opportunity to focus on reconnecting your partner to certain parts of their body that normally get cursory attention." After all, intimacy makes for better sex.
7. Use Technology To Your Advantage
While the creator of the cellphone camera may not have predicted how we'd use our camera phones today, it doesn't matter because here we are — and it's not very likely there will be any turning back now.
Anami suggesting sending photos, video snippets, and texts as a way to keep things spontaneous. Although this is also a great way to get the foreplay rolling, technology can also help with giving vague clues about what's on the menu, in addition to using dirty talk and sexy photos to tease.
If you've never tried any type of role-play, then there's no time like scheduled sex to do just that. When you and your partner pretend to be someone else, there's no telling what might unfold.
"Having sex on the schedule gives you a chance to set the mood, get clean sheets on the bed, find some special scented candles, get something extra sexy to wear (that you know will come right off)... turn off the phones and get all other distractions out of the way ahead of time," Leigh says.
This little prep-work can set the stage for some award-winning acting on both your parts.
9. Experiment With Fantasies
If you know when you're going to have sex, why not bring to the bedroom some sexual fantasies you've been wanting to fulfill?
"You can ask yourself what new things you'd like to try with your partner, where you'd like to make love, [and] what lingerie you'd like to wear," Anami says.
We all have sexual fantasies and while some of us have no desire in fulfilling them, there are those of us who really want to give them a try. You can walk into a scheduled sex session and walk out having a part of your sexual curiosity finally satisfied.
As an important component to any happy and healthy relationship, if time isn't naturally being made for sex, then it's time to schedule it. But don't see this is a bad thing or something that's taking away from your sex life. You can make all this scheduling feel spontaneous if you put in a little extra effort.