We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto this week’s topic: what to do when your partner wants you to pee on them.
Q: “So obviously, everyone’s been reading this alleged story about Trump and the peeing sex thing. I know everyone thinks it’s so funny and embarrassing, but it’s coming at a weird time for my relationship. My partner recently opened up about the fact that he’d like me to pee on him. It was a hard thing for him to admit, so I tried my best to be sensitive and open. I’m not at all turned on by the idea, but I love my partner, and I think it’s something I’d be willing to do if it would make him happy. With this whole debacle going on, I can’t ask any of my friends about it, and all the articles I’m seeing make it seem like it’s this horrible, shameful thing. Can you do a Golden Showers 101? Something that won’t make me feel like a pervert?”
A: Thanks for the question! You’re right — that is really frustrating timing for you! Let’s leave politics and rumors completely aside for a moment, because at the heart of what you’re talking about here is whether or not it’s OK for people to enjoy peeing during sex. My answer is a wholehearted yes! I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of their fetishes (as long as they’re between consenting adults). Here are seven steps for your first (totally healthy, totally normal) golden shower.
The Golden Rule Of Fetishes: Don’t Shame Your Partner
Like I said in the intro, I think it’s really important not to shame people for their sexual interests and desires. You get an A+ in this area! I think it’s awesome that you’re willing to consider your partner’s desires, even though they’re not ones that you share. I love that you understood how hard it was for your partner to share his fantasy, and you tried to keep yourself open even if you might not have initially understood it. You’re a role model for how we should all treat fetishes!
Why Are People Into Pee?
A lot of people want to psychoanalyze fetishes and try to figure out why people are turned on by specific things. But with most fetishes, there typically aren’t concrete reasons why someone likes what they like. Your partner may have had an early experience with pee that stuck with him into his adult life. Or it may be a completely random thing that he just happens to enjoy. It’s like food preferences; there’s not necessarily some psychologically meaningful reason why you’re so obsessed with blue cheese.
There are lots of different reasons why people like piss play. Some people like the taboo nature of it. It feels naughty and forbidden, which makes it appealing. Other people like the power dynamic of it. Having someone pee on you is a pretty intense form of being dominated. Some people like the visual aspect. The bottom line is that it’s normal and healthy and fine to enjoy piss play.
Is It Safe?
Like any other sexual activity, golden showers comes with risks. In general, piss play is pretty damn safe. It’s a bit of an urban myth that pee is sterile, but it’s close enough. Drinking urine is quite safe, but you do want to make sure not to pee on broken skin. There’s a very, very slight chance that you could pass on sexually transmitted infections if you pee over an open wound (but there has never been a documented case of HIV transmission via urine). Avoid broken skin, and you should be fine. If your partner is drinking the pee, make sure they drink a lot of water afterwards, to help dilute the vitamins and minerals they ingest. (Otherwise it should be safe.)
Get Clear On What Your Partner Wants
There are lots of different ways to play with pee. You could do something as simple as pee on your partner while you’re both in the shower. (A lot of couples have actually already done this without calling it a golden shower!) Or your partner may want you to urinate on them without any other water running. They may want you to urinate on specific parts of their body, like their genitals or in their mouth.
I would say something like this to your partner: “I want to say again that I appreciate you being willing to talk about your fantasy. I could tell it was hard for you, but I think you’re really brave. I’ve been thinking about it, and I could be down to try it. But first I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what you had in mind. Is there one specific thing you had in mind? Or any variations?”
... And What You’re Comfortable With
From there, it’s your chance to think about what you want. Your partner may surprise you with a specific element that you hadn’t thought about previously. For example, maybe you need a little extra time to consider peeing in his mouth, or having him watch up close while you pee. Again, keep that same open, respectful attitude, but take the time to figure out what you feel comfortable exploring — and don't feel pressured to have to go beyond that.
Be Aware Of Potential Performance Anxiety
Here’s a funny topic you might not have thought about before — you might have pee performance anxiety! A lot of people have performance anxiety about peeing in a non-sexual way. Have you ever tried going to the bathroom with a friend, and found yourself totally freezing up, unable to do it?
If you suspect this may be the case for you, an easy way to start is to have your partner be in the same room with you as you pee. If you don’t have any problems, you’re good to go. If you find yourself tensing up, try having your partner be your bathroom companion until you get more comfortable.
How To Get Peeing
In general, I recommend playing with pee in the shower or bathtub, since it’s the fastest, easiest way to clean up. Depending on what your partner is into, you can have them lie down in the tub, kneel in the shower, or even stand right beside you.
Beforehand, you’ll want to drink a lot of water — A LOT! You want more than just a little dribble. Drinking a lot of water will also help dilute the smell of your urine. If you’re self-conscious about odor, you can always try avoiding things like asparagus and coffee, and not engaging in piss play in the morning, when your pee is ultra-concentrated. You can also try eating fruit, which can make your pee taste sweeter.