11 Major Relationship Fights That Mean You Should Probably Break Up, According To Experts
Breaking up is hard to do. Sometimes we end up in relationships we know aren’t right, but we stay because it just seems easier in some way. Despite how much you want to deny it, there are major relationship fights that mean you should break up with your SO, and fights over certain topics simply shouldn’t be ignored. As you’ll see from the points below, these fights all revolve around the fundamentals of what makes a relationship work successfully.
If you and your partner have been together for ages, it might seem like the worst thought ever to have to go back to being single. Maybe you’re not even sure if you love your partner anymore, but rather than put yourself back into the single ring, you plan to stick it out with your partner for a while more and hope and wish and pray that things turn around. Maybe they will turn around… but maybe they won’t. If you are constantly fighting with your SO about big things — like fidelity, money, marriage, life goals, jealously, and the like — now might be the right time to examine whether the relationship is truly working. If it isn’t, it might be better to cut ties sooner than later. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will you feel better down the road and find someone you’re more compatible with? Also, yes. If a fight is ensuing over any of these 11 reasons, it might mean you should consider breaking up, according to experts.
Check out Bustle's 'Save The Date' and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.
1. One Partner Is Regularly Dishonest
Honesty is so important in a relationship, but I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that twice. Of course, there will be white lies here and there (i.e., “That new haircut looks great, babe”), but for the most part couples should strive to be open and honest with one another. If you and your SO are regularly fighting because one of you is dishonest when it comes to the big things — like where you spent the night — signs could be pointing towards a break up. According to Kristen Houghton, author of And Then I’ll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First, who penned a Huffington Post article on the topic, if one of you is lying about fidelity or money, in particular, it’s nearly impossible to have real trust in the relationship again in the future.
2. You Want Different Things From The Relationship
When you and your SO find you’re constantly fighting about your future, it’s time to take a closer look at whether you’re with the right person. Dr. Danielle Dowling, a Los Angeles-based relationship expert and life coach, wrote on this very notion on her blog at www.Danielle-Dowling.com. Dowling said when it comes to significant topics — like where you both want to live, marriage, children, etc. — it’s important that you’re on similar pages. Dowling wrote of a heterosexual relationship, “If you and your man are on opposite sides of the spectrum on these topics or the timing of these issues — you will probably be unhappy if you stay together.”
3. Your Hopes & Aspirations Don’t Align At All
According to the experts at eHarmony.com, when two people have hopes and aspirations that do not see eye-to-eye, it’s difficult for a relationship to surpass it, particularly when it starts causing huge fights relevant to the topic. The outlet’s experts said it doesn’t mean either of you are bad people — just that your wants don’t necessarily complement one another’s.
4. You’re Forcing Each Other To Forego Dreams
In the same line of thinking as hopes and dreams, another fight that might arise between a couple with different paths is one caused by a partner wanting the other to forego their wishes. Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, a licensed therapist, non-fiction author, and college instructor who specializes in divorce, children, and relationships, said in the Huffington Post that if a partner is asking you to change your core self in this way, it’s time to get out. This, she added, includes your values, goals, and/or dreams.
5. You Feel As Though Your Values Are Being Compromised
Speaking of values, when fights start to pop up because you feel your values are being compromised in your relationship, this is a red flag, according to Ravid Yosef, love and relationship coach, who penned an article on the topic for YourTango.com. “Compromise is needed in a relationship, but not if it means compromising yourself and your values,” Yosef wrote. Yosef also said if you start to feel that you’re doing all of the compromising, and your partner isn’t meeting you half way, this could lead to resentment.
6. One Of You Is Highly Jealous
Are you the kind of partner that’s always searching through your SO’s Instagram feed on the hunt to find one little hint someone else is in the picture (figuratively or literally)? Jealously has a bad connotation for a reason — it can play against a relationship in a big way. Fights due to jealously can tear a relationship apart according to Dr. Rachel Sussman, a licensed therapist and relationship expert who spoke to Mic about signs you should break up with your SO. Sussman told the outlet, “If you're dating someone who's really jealous and it's unreasonable, that’s a huge red flag. You want to cut and run.”
7. You’re Not Supportive Of Each Other
This sounds all too familiar to me. An ex of mine and I would fight constantly because I never felt as though he supported me in anything I did. After a while, the relationship blew to pieces. According to the experts at eHarmony.com, this lack of support on one (or both) end(s) of a relationship could lead to fights that are breakup worthy. The experts noted if your SO shows little interest in your ambitions, and rather puts themselves first at every turn, it could mean it’s time to cut the cord.
8. One Of You Is Always MIA
Are you and your partner constantly fighting over the fact that one tends to go MIA with friends instead of spending time together? Women’s Health spoke to Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship about breakups, and Greer noted if you’re finding yourself looking for excuses to not spend time with your SO, take this as a sign. Greer told the outlet that if the major excitement is getting a break from your SO — rather than scheduling time to be together — this might mean your relationship is heading in the wrong direction.
9. One Or Both Of You Isn’t Happy
Another thing I’ve personally dealt with, and I’m sure some of you out there have too: You’re in a relationship that used to make you super happy, and for some reason that you can’t really explain, it doesn’t make you happy at all anymore. Then, you’re finding yourself in fights with your partner about not being happy, though you can’t fully communicate why. Author and relationship coach Jordan Gray wrote on his site, www.JordanGrayConsulting.com, that you should listen to these feelings. Gray noted, “Not being happy within your relationship is enough of a reason to terminate it.”
10. One Of You Can’t Keep Your Eyes From Wandering
Sound familiar? If you and your partner are constantly arguing over one of you having a wandering eye, you might want to reevaluate the relationship. Sussman told .Mic that it’s a red flag when our eyes start to wander in a relationship. Though nothing physically may have happened, it’s a first sign that either party is looking for romantic fulfillment from other places than the relationship. If fights are popping up over this, take a close look at the relationship — chances are something else big is going wrong that is driving you apart.
11. It’s The Same Fight Over And Over… And Over
Lastly, if you and your partner are constantly having the same fight over and over and nothing is changing for the better, it could mean things are moving towards the end. According to Yosef’s advice on her YourTango.com article, “If you’ve talked around the same issue for months without coming up with an answer, a compromise or the next steps to take and are not interested in outside help, it’s time to move on.”
Next time you and your partner get into an argument, consider whether it was due to one of these major topics. If so, it could very well mean this isn’t the right person for you, and that’s perfectly OK. Remember the saying I personally love to replay for myself… there are many other fish in the sea.