We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: sex tips for getting maximum sensation when your partner has a smaller penis.
Q: “Hi, I’m envious of the question from a few weeks ago from the woman sleeping with a well-endowed partner. I just started dating this guy a few weeks ago, and we are hitting it off so well. We just started fooling around, and I noticed that he’s definitely not well-endowed. He’s probably smaller than average (though I must admit I’m not really sure what average is... I think I’ve been lucky in that department in the past). He’s already made a few self-deprecating comments, and it kinda feels like he’s asking for reassurance. I’m feeling way more nervous about our first time sleeping together than I have with other partners. What can I do?”
A: Thanks for the question! Let’s get the easy part of your question out of the way first: the average penis is about five inches in length. Of course, you’ll find different studies with different results, but about five inches seems to be the norm. The size of a guy’s penis can have an effect on the sensation you feel during intercourse, but it’s not anywhere near a deal-breaker. Some women even prefer being with guys who are on the smaller side, since many of those men tend to hone their oral and manual sex skills. Other women enjoy smaller penises because they fit better, or because they’re less likely to trigger sexual pain issues.
Here are eight tips for maximum satisfaction when you’re with someone on the smaller side.
1. Don’t Stress
First of all, having a smaller penis really isn’t that big of a deal. Here’s a fun fact that will put you and a lot of the smaller guys out there at ease: the majority of the nerve endings in the vaginal canal are in the outer third. As long as you can fill up the outer third (which the vast majority of penises can), you’re going to get plenty of stimulation. Plus, penetration isn’t the main event for most women. Lots of women enjoy oral sex or manual stimulation more, and most women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone.
2. Obey The Golden Rule
If your new guy keeps subtly mentioning the size of his penis, please don’t say anything disparaging! Keep the Golden Rule in the back of your mind. I’m sure there’s at least one part of your body that you feel self-conscious of, so think of how you would want him to respond if you tried to ask if your thighs were too jiggly or your boobs were too small. If he pushes, say something like, “I like the way our bodies fit together” or, “I think we have a lot of chemistry; I’m paying way more attention to that than to anything else.”
3. Find Your Best Positions
Any time you’re having intercourse with someone new, you have to find the right positions for your particular bodies. Check out this article I wrote awhile back about some of the best positions for guys who are on the smaller side. In general, look for positions where you can hold your legs close together, to maintain a nice, tight fit. It’s also helpful to find positions where your crotches stay close together. (For example, standing sex positions are tricky since there tends to be a fair amount of distance between your bodies.)
4. Work Your Kegels
Getting your PC muscles in shape can also help maintain a tight fit during intercourse. Your PC muscles form a hammock across your pelvis. They play a number of different roles, but they can help your vaginal walls contract and feel tighter. Like any other muscle in your body, exercise can strengthen them.
The next time you’re peeing, try to stop peeing before your bladder is empty. You should feel an internal “pulling up” type of sensation. Try doing 10 sets of short pulses, and 10 sets of longer holds every day. Then, when you’re with your partner, try squeezing your PC muscles while he thrusts into you. A fun bonus for you — greater PC strength has also been linked to stronger orgasms!
5. Consider Using Less Lube
If you’ve read any of my other articles about intercourse, you’ve probably read that I’m a huge fan of lube. But this is one of the rare situations where I don’t recommend as much lube usage. If you’re really wet, it can feel like he’s slipping around inside of you too much. If you do use lube, aim for a dime-sized amount or less. If it seems like things are too slippery, even without any additional lube, try having him pull out. Give him a handjob for a minute. Your hands will take away some of the lube, and there will be more friction once you resume intercourse.
6. Add More Clitoral Stimulation
As I mentioned above, the outer third of the vaginal canal is the most important area. But the amount of nerve endings there pale in comparison to the amount of nerve endings in the clitoris. Look to some of my past articles for tips on putting more emphasis on oral sex or manual stimulation. Or you can try getting more clitoral stimulation during intercourse by touching your own clitoris, having him touch it, or having one of you use a toy on it.
7. Experiment With Anal
One of the best benefits of dating a guy with a smaller penis is that anal sex can be much more pleasurable! A lot of women report that anal sex is too painful if a guy is on the larger side, but you’re far less likely to have this problem. This may be the perfect time for you to start exploring the joys of anal.
8. Use Toys
If you and this guy end up dating for a while, and you’re a really big fan of intense penetration, there are definitely toys out there that you can use. I don’t recommend suggesting these options until you guys have more of an established relationship, since there’s a higher risk that you might hurt his feelings. If you do make these suggestions, focus more on the fact that you’d like to experiment with new things, rather than on the fact that he’s “too small.” You can try having him slip on a penis sleeve or extender. Or you can have him penetrate you along with a vibrator, like the JeJoue Uma. There’s also the option of having him use a strap-on dildo. You can even aim for double penetration!
Images: Caroline Wurtzel/Bustle (2); Giphy