The Elusive Chanteuse's Guide to the Rebound

It's official, kids. The trouble in paradise between the elusive chanteuse and the man who took the pivotal last four syllables out of "Nickelodeon" has reached an irreconcilable level. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are separating after six years of marriage and months of divorce speculation. In all frankness, this sounds like it's entirely for the best. As we know from her episode of Cribs , she can find solace in her massive closet, and soothe her heartbreak by watching The Simpsons marathon in her jacuzzi. Someone who has a TV in their bathroom will pretty much always be fine. Plus, if she's eyeing a rebound, I know exactly where she should look: her music videos.

Single and fancy free, Carey has some wild oats to sow. From Jerry O'Connell, to Ne-Yo, to freakin' Jack McBrayer, the actors and musicians who have collaborated with Carey over the years form a handsome little black book of prospects. Sure, the whole experience with Nick Cannon may have left her burnt. After all, the dude has been a rather pitiful husband by doing slime-ball things like discussing his alleged bang session with Kim Kardashian on Howard Stern. Nobody should have to worry about getting an NDA from their soul mate.

If it's any consolation, the list of dudes that have appeared in her music videos and worked with her over the years form an interesting booty call encyclopedia. Carey should take advantage, 'cause lord knows this girl needs a palate cleanser.

Boyz II Men in "One Sweet Day"

Baby girl, you deserve to roll around in a pile of dudes who know how to respect and please a lady. Treat yourself, cause I know you're thirsty.

Jerry O'Connell/Jay Z in "Heartbreaker"

Carey's on-screen chemistry with Jerry O'Connell could translate into a fulfilling relationship. However, he is the heartbreaker in this music video. But! Although he's still with Beyoncé, there's always Jay Z. I mean, cartoon Carey already has his name tattooed on her arm. Maybe they could bond over the friction of their respective high-profile marriages.

Jack McBrayer in "Touch My Body"

If Carey gave into his adorkability, I have a feeling that Kenneth the Page, erm... I mean, the "compu-geek" could really rock her world.

Eddie Griffin/Frank Sivero in "Honey"

If she wants date someone who hasn't had as much success as her, just like Nick Cannon, maybe she can breathe life back into comedian Eddie Griffin's career. I'm sure he'd be glad to hear from her. Also, there's always Frank Sivero aka Frankie Carbone of Goodfellas. After all, Italian men love their mothers, which is always a good sign.

Ne-Yo in "Angels Cry"

Oh, the melodic R&B voices intermingled in sonic harmony. Soundproof your walls if you ever plan an affair, guys.

Eric Roberts in "We Belong Together"

Alright, there may be a 14-year age difference between vintage bad boy Roberts and Carey, but to me they somehow make more sense than Cannon and Carey. Plus, we know that Mimi doesn't mind a May-December relationship, given the fact that she is 12 years her former hubby's senior. Maybe, Carey would enjoy being the one robbed from the cradle for a change. I would suggest Wentworth Miller who plays her ex-lover as a prospect, but he is incidentally not into women. Can't win 'em all, Mimi

Snoop Dogg/Pharrell in "Say Somethin'"

You know on-screen chemistry very often translates into off-screen chemistry! *Nudge, nudge*

Cheers to you, Mimi, and your literal emancipation!