There's no denying it, that sexual and physical spark is pretty important in a relationship. Yet, if you're only bonding in the bedroom, it could also mean your relationship might not get to a deeper, emotional level. A fix? Engage in sexy little things outside the bedroom to become more intimate in other ways and increase the chances of your relationship succeeding, long-term. Plus, most of these activities are still fun and playful, but you'll be keeping your pants on. (And, you can always take them off later, too.)
As a certified health coach, I work with clients on feeling confident and comfortable in their relationships, but that also means doing regular activities that can bring in the heat, in order to avoid that dreaded relationship rut. (Plus, if you're in a long-term relationship, this step is even more critical.) The good news: You can maintain that spark by playing little games and seducing each other in ways both outside and inside the bedroom. Sure, finding ways to fool around in bed might sounds easy. Yet, finding little ways to tease or get your partner excited in other ways that don't directly involve sex can be way more challenging. Here are some things to do to keep that spark alive and strong.
1. Discuss Your Fantasies
Just talking about your fantasies can bring you closer. "Everyone has sexual fantasies but rarely do couples get to the place where they feel comfortable sharing those desires. I say sit down outside of the bedroom and just be open to expressing your fantasies and listening to what your partner deeply desires," Craig Cole, founder of the dating app Doppler Social app, tells Bustle.
2. Get Inside Your Partner's Head
Take some time to ask your partner about different personal and sexual inclinations to get through to them on a deeper level. Not only is communication so important for a successful relationship, but it also can help you connect in other little, and sexy, ways. "Sometimes the sexiest ways to connect outside of the bedroom is getting inside your partner's head," Cole says.
3. Touch Each Other More
Sure, there's plenty of touching in the bedroom, but make sure to keep that touch alive and vibrant during the day too, where you're outside in the real world. For instance, hold hands when you're walking, touch each other when communicating something personal, or give a kiss hello and goodbye upon greeting.
4. Reimagine A First Date
Remember that first date? There was tons of flirting both during and after (and likely for days, weeks, or even months after if you're still together). Bring back that chemistry and take time to flirt with your partner, life coach Michelle A. Roberts, M.A. tells Bustle. Yes that means be direct in your flirting, to the point where it's a huge turn on.
5. Send A Sexy Text
Roberts also recommends sending sexy texts or photos to playfully tease your partner outside the bedroom. Of course, if it's been just one date or so, you probably want to hold back until you're more comfortable around each other or established as a couple (you should always be careful before sending racy photos). Yet, if it's all good, go ahead and make your partner want you, bad.
6. Tell Your Partner You Have A Surprise Later
Clearly, this is a sexy prize. Roberts says that being explicit, saying that you can't wait to see your partner later because of a special surprise (wink, wink, here), will build that excitement for the hours leading up to it. This way, you'll be flirty and feel close when apart, and then you can reunite later in the bedroom.
7. Initiate Sex Outside The Bedroom
You know when you wake up and your partner wants a quickie before breakfast and a shower, or when you make a plan to go to sleep but end up fooling around instead. Take advantage of the moments outside the bedroom to heat things up and then move to the bedroom, sex and relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, tells Bustle. "If you're both at home lounging on the couch and zoning out on your phones, try sending a flirtatious text to surprise your partner. Perhaps a kiss or winking face emoji or, if you're feeling bolder 'wanna make out' or even 'meet me upstairs.' The element of surprise will break you out of your familiar routine and add some spice to an otherwise uneventful weeknight," Murray says.
8. Share A Hot Bath
Take it to the bathroom and draw a warm bath with candles, music, and maybe some red wine. This can be super romantic, and still plenty sexual, and it's a way to connect outside the bedroom. What's more, you'll likely be able to improve that connection inside the bedroom, too, as you'll feel more intimate, over all and discover new ways to be together.
9. Use Eye Contact In Normal Life
When you're not in bed, maintain that eye contact. That means, look into each other's eyes when speaking, sharing breakfast or a meal, and even just for little things when you feel the urge to connect and show appreciation. Plus, using eye contact means you're attracted to the other person, so it'll help you both remember just how into each other you are.
10. Watch Porn Together
If you and your partner watch porn together, it can help move things to the bedroom eventually, or it'll at least spark some good ideas for different positions, role play scenarios, or fetishes that you might be interested in trying. Just be sure your partner is on board before diving right in to something adventurous or controversial.
11. Read Erotica
Shake things up and get a little kinky by reading erotica together when outside the bedroom. "Our beautiful book style storage boxes each contain a themed collection of 'toys', all complementing a short erotic story found on the inside cover of the 'Novel'," Anne Moyer, president of Novel Erotics, tells Bustle. "The story provides a little inspiration for those that might not know where to start," Moyer says.
12. Cook A Meal Together
Getting things heated in the kitchen can bring you and your partner closer, where things will ultimately become hotter between the sheets, too. By learning how to cook a meal together, you're learning something new and taking an adventure. Plus, you can always enjoy a bottle of wine (or two) for romance and playfulness, too.
13. Lick Your Lips
I don't mean lick your lips to wipe off mayo from a roast beef sandwich. Licking or casually biting your lips can be super seductive and really turn your partner on when outside the bedroom. Plus, you can do this anytime of day and in public without making a scene. (Which is even more sexy when you think about it, right?)
14. Give Each Other Massages
Take turns giving each other massages to really bond and get that sense of touch without legitimate sex. You can bring out oils, music, candles, and other romantic gestures to foster that intimacy and connection.
15. Split Chores
Believe it or not, pulling your weight in doing the chores can be seen as super sexy. "Acts of service (Yes, from Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages) can show your partner that you care, and be a major turn on because you've been helpful," sex therapist Dr. Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M.Ed, tells Bustle. When you're done, feel free to hop into bed.
16. Play A Board Game
Yes, you can totally play sex games, like role playing, but bring out some board games and put a sexy spin on them for a fun game night at home. "Play a game, with a twist! A game of monopoly can be much more fun if you lose clothes and money. Spicing up game night to learn more about your partner's sexual likes and dislikes, with the challenge of trying them out in the game, make sitting around the living room that much more fun," Oriowo says.
17. Give Regular Compliments
Take time to show appreciation and express just how attractive you find your partner to be. "Giving your partner compliments throughout the day, not only makes them feel desired, but also strengthens your relationship," relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, founder of online relationship community, Relationup, tells Bustle. A simple, "That dress looks so hot on you," or "You were amazing last night at dinner with my Mom," will do.
If you're looking to keep that spark alive in the bedroom, you'll need to take time to put the work in outside, too. It's all connected. Just remember: being more intimate throughout the day will make nighttime activities that much hotter.
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