When the very
first text was sent in 1994, it was only a matter of time before it would be used to sext. Just like there was no way that phones on cameras weren't going to be used to send nudes — it was inevitable. And, for many people, it made their sex life more exciting because of it. Studies have even found that relationships benefit from sexting.
But sexting, just
like talking dirty, isn't always easy. Some people legitimately struggle with talking dirty, just as much as they struggle with sexting. No matter how in touch you are with your sexuality or how comfortable you are with language, it doesn't mean you're automatically a shoe-in for sexting. But that also doesn't mean you can't learn how to sext and maybe even become a pro if it's something you've been wanting to try.
"Sexting is one of my favorite ways to test things you might do in the bedroom,"
Sex Educator, Lola Jean, tells Bustle, "and also ways to keep it fresh when long distance."
So whether you're looking to spice things up, are hoping to
give your relationship a healthy kick, or simply just want to learn a skill that is bound to be beneficial at some juncture in your life, here are some sexting tips for those who are a bit wary about it.
Be As Descriptive As Possible
"Draw out each moment or phrase," says Lola Jean. "It takes much more time and anticipation to describe everything you want to do to someone rather than encapsulating the entire act. 'I want to f*ck you' is to the point and shortens the conversation. If someone throws one of these your way ask how, what would you do, what would you do in order for me to do this for you? etc."
Similar to the act of sex, you don't want to rush it
Realize You Don't Have To Sext In The Present Tense
Although it's fun to live in the moment, it can be a struggle for people who are new sexting. If you jump out of the present tense, you can create a comfortable distance.
"Sexting doesn’t have to be this psuedo-role-play," says Lola Jean. "Some of us find it difficult to live in the present when the person we’re sexting with is not in front of us. Speak in the future tense or recount something that happened in the past."
Use It As An Opportunity To Try On Different Fantasies
"Use sexting to figure out if certain fantasies or sex acts are up your alley," says Lola Jean. "You can try out words like 'Daddy', 'baby' 'girl', or 'Mistress', and see how your [partner] reacts in a non-threatening environment."
Because using the phone offers some physical distance, use it to your advantage to try out things you've been thinking about incorporating in the bedroom. As Lola Jean points out, this is a safe space. The worst thing that could go wrong is a wonky autocorrect that leave you both laughing.
Let Your Partner Take The Lead
If you're with someone who has a
greater appetite for sexting than you, then let them lead the way as you follow if that makes you more comfortable.
"Ask [your partner] to describe their most recent sexual experience, solo or with another partner — or you!" says Lola Jean. "You get to learn more about them, what they’re into or perhaps what they like the best."
If your partner is more into sexting than you, maybe you don't have to respond. Reading their dirty thoughts as they send them to you via text is a great way to ease into sexting.
"Sexting or admitting desires can be nerve-wracking," says Lola Jean. "It’s less nerve-wracking when you’re a willing and excited listener. Make sure you react positively or at least keep any judgments to yourself. The best thing we can do when someone discloses a kink is be curious. Ask why, or how that came about? When did they start finding xyz sexual? Tell me about it? Showing interest in someone, especially there sexual desires is one of the most attractive things you do. You don’t have to act on their kink, but by being inquisitive and curious you are telling them that you are accepting of them, which will encourage them to open up more the future."
Leave space for dialogue if the person you're sexting wants to swing things in a different direction. Not everyone wants to be
tied up, spanked, or called a "dirty little slut."
"Do not assume what people want sexually or sextually," says Lola Jean. "Do not assume that everyone wants to do what you want to do in bed. Yes, we do a lot to please our lovers but don’t expect everyone to be on board with your 'thing'."
Don't Send Nudes Without Asking Permission First
Whether it's because you've gone from zero to 100 in your comfort zone of sexting or you'd rather skip the words and get
straight to the nudes, before you send anything, ask the receiver if they want a photo.
"Ask for consent before sending pictures of your genitals," says Lola Jean. "Asking someone 'do you want to see my pussy?' or 'should I show you how hard my cock is for you?' still sounds really hot, and also allows the person on the receiving end to volunteer their consent or not."
Sexting doesn't come naturally to everyone — and that's totally OK. If you want to give it a whirl, use descriptions, ask questions, and use it as an opportunity to experiment with your fantasies. Oh, and have fun!