While some people say you’ll just know when you meet “The One” — it’ll be an indescribable feeling you’ll have — others say there is more to finding your match. But what do those who work with couples who've found "The One" every single day think it really takes to attract a soulmate into your life?
Religious leaders are relationship experts, of sorts, doing everything from marrying couples, interviewing them before marriage, counseling them before and during their partnerships, and so forth. So why not learn from their experiences with couples? “As someone who’d been single for 42 years, I *just* married ‘The One’ in March 2018,” a former pastor at mega-church Faith Church in Southern California for more than 15 years and author of the soon-to-be-released book, The Neighbor Next Door, Grace Wabuke Klein, tells Bustle. “I truly waited for Mr. Right versus settling for Mr. Right Now, and waiting is worth the wait." Wabuke Klein also stresses the importance of not letting impatience make romantic decisions for you.
“Waiting doesn’t have to mean pining, panicking, or desperately seeking,” she says. “So often, we’re hung up on not being alone that we rush into the arms of just anyone. Instead, it’s best to find someone who has our best interests in mind, sees the greatness in us, and truly champions us.”
Though it may seem easier said than done, Wabuke Klein is proof that meeting “The One” can — and does — happen. Below, she and other religious leaders share ways to attract “The One” into your life, so get ready.
1. Be The Best Version Of Yourself
You may be familiar with the phrase “like attracts like,” so if you’re the best version of yourself, it’ll help you attract someone who is also the best version of themselves, aka “The One.” “If a person wants to attract their future spouse into their life in the near future, the chief thing a person needs to be focused on is improving themselves,” Shlomo Zalman Bregman, Rabbi, matchmaker, and relationship expert, tells Bustle. “Specifically, they need to become the best possible version of themselves.”
Pastor Touré Roberts, author of Wholeness: Winning In Life From the Inside Out, also believes you need to become “The One” to attract “The One.” “We attract what we are; therefore, the first step to attracting ‘The One’ is becoming the best version of ourselves possible,” he tells Bustle. “That version of us will be found worthy of the type of partner we wish to draw. Make self-improvement a real priority — we all are a work-in-progress — but this doesn’t mean beating up on yourself. Be faithful to the process of personal growth: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Remember, you attract on your level; meaning, the better you become, the better you’ll attract.”
Wabuke Klein also believes that, in order to attract your soulmate you need to focus on yourself first and foremost. “Embrace your journey and life,” she says. “Resist the urge to compare your journey to how others’ lives are moving or desperately going from one app or dating approach to another.” Even though it may be hard not to compare yourself to your friends’ lives, it’s essential.
“Invest, empower, and develop yourself, because one of the most attractive qualities is seeing people living their lives to the fullest,” Wabuke Klein says. “Pursue that degree, buy that home, make financial investments, travel, set/attain goals — don’t just wait for ‘The One.’”
2. Be Confident
Have you ever been out on a date with someone and they take self-deprecating humor to a whole other level? One or two comments, OK. But, soon, it seems their lack of confidence is apparent, and the more unconfident they seem, the more you’re not attracted to them. So being confident is another way to attract “The One” into your life. “Clothe yourself in confidence,” Pastor Roberts says. “The confidence that comes from becoming is extremely attractive. Never underestimate the effectiveness that the powerful glow of inner wholeness will have in your mission to find the right mate.” He also says this confidence exudes value and worth and “doesn’t have a hint of desperation in it.”
Wabuke Klein also believes that being confident about your value is key in attracting the right one for you. “Embrace your value,” she says. “When you recognize you have incredible worth and value, you will create standards of how you should be treated. Make decisions not to settle or lower your standards, and you will attract quality people who see the greatness in you and honor that.”
Author, speaker, and Bible teacher Ann White founded her global ministry, Courage for Life, during a crisis point in her marriage, she tells Bustle, and now she ministers to women at risk of spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse. She, too, recommends confidence as a way to attract “The One.”
“Confidence is contagious,” she says. “Continually renew your mind by refusing negative self-talk. Believe in yourself, love yourself, and take time to take care of yourself.” She also suggests showing your confidence by wearing a red shirt “or a lovely, bright shirt in a color that suits you best as a way to show that you’re living life fully — don’t shrink into the background with dark colors!”
3. Let Go Of What You *Don’t* Want
Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman, authors of The New Power Couple, speakers, ordained ministers, coaches, and angel investors, believe that if you want to attract “The One,” you need to stop paying attention to people you know are not “The One.” Everyone’s been there, right? You continue “hanging out” with someone you know there’s no long-term future with, either on your part or theirs. However, you could free up your time and be out there finding “the one” instead.
“First off, to *receive* what we do want, we have to *let go* of what we don’t desire,” the Freemans tell Bustle. “For example, if you desire to attract someone who is into personal growth and spiritual, then, when dating, you have to make space and stop giving your attention to what/who isn’t in alignment. It’s surprising how many of us are tempted to ‘settle’ for dates, or even keep dating someone, because we ‘wish’ we could rub off on them and they’ll change.” Sound familiar? “We’ve seen dozens of men and women attract their soulmate within weeks of when they stopped ‘settling’ or ‘tolerating’ dating experiences that were not a match for their values.”
4. Manifest The Person You Want
You may know which direction you’d like your life to go in: what type of career you want (now and in the future), where you want to live, when you’d like to get married, etc. When it comes to finding “The One,” Rabbi Bregman says clarifying your vision for the future applies there, too. “It’s vital that you have an overall picture of how you’d like for your life to unfold — financially, spiritually, lifestyle-wise, regarding your contribution to the world, whether or not to have children, etc.,” he says. “When this is in place, it serves as an irreplaceable ‘true north’ and helps clarify what you want. That way, you’ll be able to recognize ‘The One’ when you meet them, since their ‘true north’ will likely align with yours.”
On a similar note, Sean XLG Mitchell, ordained minister for the spiritual practice Seven, hip hop activist, and the author of several books, believes that you can attract “The One” by manifesting them.
“If and when a person becomes consciously aware of wanting to find ‘The One,’ their innate energy or natural being will attract that person into their life,” he tells Bustle. “In other words, all humans have the ability to manifest who and what they desire.”
Mitchell believes that something he calls “innergy” has to do with the people you attract. “Innergy is at the root of the human experience — thought plus emotion equals energy,” he says. “Before my wife and I met, she joined a prayer group in hopes of finding her ideal mate. She committed to praying every day for one year... we bumped into each other at her job during her 10th month, and we instantly hit it off. Believe it or not, we decided to get married on a whim and were standing at the justice of the peace on the last day of her one-year commitment. Two kids and 25 years later, we’re still happily married. If you’re looking for a life partner and you’re passionate about your commitment, then it’s not a question of if, but when.”
5. Look For Friendship First
You may be attracting “The One” without even realizing it. In other words, a friend of yours may turn out to be “The One,” yet neither of you were in the right place or right time before. For instance, this happened to Shannon Perry, an award-winning Christian author, popular speaker, and TV host of the weekly faith-based program Grace in High Heels. “We make attracting ‘The One’ complicated, but it doesn’t have to be,” she tells Bustle. “As someone who married later in life, I speak from experience. I met my ‘One’ 14 years before we married. We were friendly and he asked me out numerous times, but because I was his child’s teacher, I always said ‘No.’ I had a policy that I didn’t date dads from my class. Fourteen years later when I was engaged to another guy, I briefly ran across that dad again. During that same month, suddenly and without warning, my fiancé ended our engagement — ‘the wrong one’ leaving brought in ‘the right one.’ That ‘dad’ and I have now been married 14 years... Be diligent as you observe those who cross your path.”
Similarly, you may have feelings for an acquaintance or someone you just met, but being friends first — and just friends —may be a good way to gauge if you and the person would be a good romantic match, too. Chris Smith of Love of Christ Ministries, and author of Sabbath Day, suggests going this route. “I believe that the way to attract ‘The One’ into your life is to not be in a rush or hurry to find them,” he tells Bustle. “If you meet someone that you have feelings for in your heart, get to know [them] as your friend first — this will let you know if you would like to spend the rest of your life with [them]” Aside from getting to know each other, Smith says this will also prevent you from rushing into anything and “will give you the peace and patience to really get to know each other, and to care for one another without any commitments or strings attached.”
White, too, believes a friend could turn out to be the right one for you and suggests enlarging your circle of friends, both in-person and online. I agree, especially with all the groups out there, like Meetup.com, where you can find people with common interests. “Don’t be afraid to join a reputable online dating site,” White says. “Invite close friends to help you complete your profile and ask them to encourage you as you carefully consider communicating with single people who share your same interests and deeply held convictions.”
6. Know Your Dealbreakers (And Stick To Them)
When it comes to dating and relationships, everyone has dealbreakers — or should. “If you don’t like smokers, don’t think you will make someone stop smoking when you get married,” Perry says. “If they are unfaithful when you’re dating, know that they can cry while they lie. In other words, patterns of bad behavior are often repeated until we recover from them, and it is not your job to fix anyone.” I know — it’s easy to fall into this trap sometimes, but it’s also possible *not* to and attract someone without your dealbreakers.
“Being a ‘fixer’ is costly,” Perry says. “See them as they are and don’t compromise your values or integrity. Date long enough to see your partner in every situation, and when they exhibit behavior that is one of your dealbreakers, believe them — they are showing you who they are.”
7. Be Outgoing
When you’re out and about, are you attracted to someone who seems outgoing, or in the corner of the room alone? Not to say that the person needs to be the center of attention, but it helps if you can notice their personality right away. “The first seven seconds and the last seven seconds are the most important part of any conversation, so be outgoing,” White says. “We were created for relationships and communication, so don’t be afraid to start a conversation. Remember: smile, make eye contact, and let someone know you’re interested in what they have to say.”
8. Be Humble
As much as being confident is important when it comes to attracting a good match, it’s also important to be humble. “Work on humbling yourself, and learn how to admit when you’re wrong or made a mistake,” Rabbi Bregman says. “Nobody on this planet is perfect. When it comes to couples and their communication, the most successful, dynamic couples have no difficulty admitting when they’re wrong and fell short of treating their significant other properly, so it’s good to develop the humble muscle NOW, when single, too. That way, depending on the extent to which one does so, it becomes easier to attract a super high-quality mate.”
9. Trust You Will Meet “The One”
When it comes to meeting someone special, perhaps your family and friends say you’ll know it when it happens. And, in that regard, a big part of eventually meeting your soulmate has to do with trusting that it *will* happen.
If you’re into positive affirmations and manifesting (see #4), having confidence that it will happen may come naturally to you. “Putting our trust in something we can’t see can be difficult, but it’s key,” Perry says. “Every circumstance and person who moves in and out of our lives brings ‘The One’ closer to us. What’s our part? First, we relinquish control. When we’re trying to find ‘The One’ on our own, desperation or loneliness can land us with the ‘wrong’ one.”
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, licensed clinical professional counselor and a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist who also founded The Marriage Restoration Project with his wife, also suggests trusting the process instead of trying to control it. “When we try to control the process, we can’t attract what we want in life,” he says. “Instead of limiting what we want or what we are looking for, we let things happen and become open to the possibilities. This type of attitude allows for everything to work out just the way we need. Too many singles have such defined expectations that they miss out on opportunities that are right in front of them.”
I don’t know about you, but after reading all of the above tips on ways to attract “The One,” I’m definitely game to test them out.