I had anal sex for the first time in college. Before then, my opinions on anal sex were ignorant. I thought that women who engaged in such a sex act probably had something wrong them — which I know now is completely NOT the case. But what do you expect from a sheltered kid from New Hampshire? I had to go out and live life a bit before I had any real understanding of anything at all, anal sex or otherwise. Basically, anal wasn’t even on my radar as a “thing” that I would ever do, so apparently I was content in my ignorance.
But after about a year together, my college boyfriend started mentioning anal sex. He told me that his friends had done it with their girlfriends and, surprisingly, the women were really into it. Something that truly shocked me at the time, but I've since met some women who really do love anal sex. Based on what he said, I thought maybe I could try it and, if I were lucky, could really like it, too.
So we decided to do it, but at my boyfriend’s suggestion and that of his “sexually worldly” friends, it would be best if he just sort of “slipped it in there” the first time so it would be a “happy” surprise. That way, I wouldn’t have a chance to get nervous. BAD. IDEA.
Aside from realizing that one should never take sex advice from a group of 20-year-old boys, here are 10 things I wish I knew before I had anal sex the first time. But first, check out our video on sex positions to last longer in bed:
1. Anal Sex Shouldn’t Be A ‘Happy’ Surprise
I want to say that I am not someone who’s against surprises. At all. But there are good surprises and bad surprises. A bad surprise is when you’re having sex doggy style with your partner and he, although you had both discussed that the “happy” surprise was going to be part of the menu at some point, sticks his penis in your ass. Yes, it was consensual, but looking back, I should have skipped the surprise idea in favor of more preparation. Anal sex and preparation just go hand-in-hand.
2. Lube, Lube, Lube
Although spit may cut it when you’re having vaginal sex, especially when you’ve had too much to drink or are hungover AF so your body is a bit on the dry side, you need a lot more than spit for anal sex — most especially your first time. Lube, whether you’ve had anal sex once, twice, or a 100 times, is always necessary. And preferably one that stays slick for a decent amount of time.
3. Doggy Style May Not Be The Most Ideal Position For First Time Anal
The reason both men and women really love doggy style is because it’s a position that allows you to get really deep in there, as well as stimulate the G-spot. But for first time anal, you may not want to be penetrated that deeply. It’s a totally foreign feeling and one that many women aren’t crazy about the first time around, or ever, for that matter.
Even now, after having had anal a few times, I prefer it in the missionary position. Granted, after your body becomes accustomed to how it feels, anal can feel great in the doggy style position, but the first time venturing into anal sex category you might want to stick to missionary.
4. Those Aren’t Farts
Ah! The embarrassment! I kept hearing and feeling little pops of what I thought were farts — but they weren’t! They were just air bubbles as a result of the movement of my partner and how the human anus is much tighter than the vagina, so air bubbles are inevitable. Although farting during sex happens sometimes, so whatever... no need to stress about that either.
5. Relaxation And Breathing Are Key
If you recall the first time you had vaginal sex, then you know that you need to breathe. You’re about to engage in something that you’ve never done before and it’s going to feel, for lack of a better word, weird. When it comes to anal, you need to relax and breathe even more because if you don’t, your sphincter just closes right up and it can feel more painful than good. You need to relax and physically prepare yourself. In other words, don’t be like me and agree to a “happy” surprise.
6. You Probably Won’t Poop Yourself
While there are always those cases where things get a little messy, as it would be with most sex acts, anal sex doesn’t guarantee that you’ll poop yourself, poop on your partner, or have some explosive diarrhea all over the bed. It might feel like you’re going to poop yourself and all those fears will be floating about your head, but it’s not a definite thing that will happen.
7. You Shouldn’t Go From Anal To Vaginal Sex Without Taking A Break To Clean
That night, we went from vaginal to anal to vaginal to anal, then back again. Another bad idea. I may have been fortunate enough not to get an infection after that, but I’m really surprised I didn’t. The bacteria in your butt is butt-friendly-only bacteria and should be left there.
8. How You Poop May Be Messed Up For A Couple Days
After that night, how I pooped was definitely off for a bit. I was constipated and dealt with a lot of those air bubbles even a good 24 hours after that — or maybe by that point, they were farts? Either way, I just wish I had known that even after anal sex, you may need time to recuperate before you have a normal bowel movement again.
9. Cover Those White Sheets
Although we didn't have a poop issue, there were still, um, some bodily fluids that had a brownish tinge to them. This, of course, had me freaking the eff out simply because of the color. I had the same response the first time I had sex on my period. Had we put down a dark towel or switched to sheets that weren't white, the contrast of those bodily fluids against the white wouldn't have been so noticeable.
10. Anal Sex Doesn’t Change You
As I mentioned, I was really ignorant to the whole anal thing. I assumed that in having anal I was somehow “wrong” and that my partner would lose respect for me — neither of which are true. Anal sex, if you open your mind to it, is just another way for two people to explore their sexuality and have fun. While anal may still be a bit taboo, it really shouldn’t be. Taboos are absurd and only exist to keep us in societal cages, too afraid to experiment with our bodies. That’s not OK. With enough lube and preparation, anal sex can be your friend. You can never have too many friends.
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (5)