It’s Antipasto Girl Summer. Which Food Are You?

Today I heard about the “tomato girl” aesthetic and my first thought was gross, I hate tomatoes and my second thought was wait, what the hell is that? I am familiar with the lore, of course. Hot Girl Summer fades into Christian Girl Autumn. Coastal grandmothers and cowgirls make sourdough and sweep their windblown hair off their face as they smile into their goblets of white wine. The rat girls post depression memes and leave you on read and chase their multivitamin gummies with a big swig of a watery iced latte. The soft girls with their hairless armpits and Russian manicures mix some packet of superfood dust into their morning smoothie bowls.

I’m not one to stick my glazed donut nail into other people’s business, but “tomato girl” stopped me in my tracks. Who is this tomato girl? Is it Streganona? I couldn’t help but wonder, are we all just ingredient girls living in an aesthetic world?

If that’s the case, I’m a mozzarella girl. I’m a crowd-pleaser, I’m the ultimate vibe. I can dress up or dress down, I’m just as happy with a frozen pizza and an entire season of Bridgerton as I am with a decadent four-course meal and an evening at the opera. Blood sugar low and you need a quick snack while you figure out what to make for dinner? I’m there. Sometimes I’m a little salty, sure. Sometimes I bounce around and can’t settle on a plan. But I’m mozzarella, baby, I’m everything you want. I fly under the radar a lot, simply because I’m perfect.

Basil girls are really happiest outdoors, especially in the summer rain. They have excellent taste but love the simple things in life. They keep a garden, always recycle (yes, even rinsing out the yogurt cups and peeling off their labels, congratulations), and probably like animals more than people. They reliably wear the same five outfits. They always go to bed early, but inevitably get up to pee at 2 a.m. and can’t help but scroll their phone for 30 minutes. They are barefoot more than anyone else, shower every other night, and roll their hair into a sock for heatless curls. If Glossier ever stops making Cloud Paint, they will cry.

Ciabatta girls have a chip on their shoulder, and they’re a little insecure (but in a lovable way). They will get drunk and hold a grudge with anyone, but only for the night. They make elaborate plans but usually cut them back to something manageable by the time the plans actually come around. They are, without a doubt, the best person to go on vacation with, because they will force you out of your comfort zone and help you shake off any stress you brought with you. Ciabatta girls are tough, and will push your buttons, but they know your limits, even if they don’t always know their own.

Cracked pepper girls are refined as f*ck. They actually have a budget and are actively investing money and diversifying their portfolio. Capricorn is heavily represented in their birth chart. Everything that you’re *supposed* to do? They’re doing it. They will correct your grammar and tip exactly 20% and have a Tide to-Go pen in their Gucci purse. They avoid screens an hour before bedtime. They have a bedtime. They will not deviate from their routine, because they know they are one missed gratitude journal entry away from a complete meltdown. It’s only happened twice before, but still.

Artichoke girls talk a lot about going to Burning Man, but haven’t made the trip yet. It’s just hard to take off that much time at work, you know? They always have the best playlists and are happy to see you. They majored in something very technical and dry but quit the field entirely after two years working a desk job they hated. They spend all day watching van life videos on YouTube and they will not wake up earlier than 11 a.m., it’s biological. They will tell you exactly what you need to hear, but you won’t realize it for years. Every tattoo of theirs is completely random. They will water your plants while you’re away.

Salami girls have exactly one volume and it is mostly loud peals of laughter. They are always trying to plan a girls trip. They have a nebulous corporate job that pays them a ton of money, but they are constantly wearing clothes with holes or stains that they don’t notice until they’re out. They have an encyclopedic knowledge of movie quotes, will go dark on social media for months at a time, and randomly buy anything because they “found a really good deal!” They have multiple Brené Brown quotes hung around their apartment.

Kalamata olive girls are intense and a little passive-aggressive but have a big heart. They are always the one who performatively texts “Here!” a full 15 minutes before you were supposed to meet up. They will devolve into tears the second they have more than two glasses of red wine. The best way to cheer them up is with tough love. They’re constantly rewatching Grey’s Anatomy and they had a big One Direction phase. They have considered graduate school for the past decade.