8 Ways You Can Have Sex Without Having Sex

Let’s talk about sex, shall we? Specifically, let’s talk about our definitions of “sex.” For most heterosexual people, “sex” means “penis in vagina.” Everything else — oral, anal, making out, whatever — is considered supplemental to “real” sex. And while penis-in-vagina sex is fun, it can also get kind of boring. I mean, it’s pretty clear what has to happen and when, right? Most of us have the mechanics down at this point, and all too many of us have fallen into a routine. Which is why I’m here to advocate for giving sex without intercourse a shot.

Now, you might be thinking something along the lines of “What’s the point of that?” And I say banish that thought from your head! Popular culture has us all brainwashed into believing not only that penis-in-vagina is the only “real” sex, but also that it’s the best sex. In fact, there are all kinds of ways to have sex and be sexual that are just as fulfilling as intercourse. Actually, when you take into consideration the fact that so many women have trouble orgasming, and that most women require a lot of foreplay and stimulation in order to really get into any kind of sex, then I’d argue that non-intercourse sex could actually be way more fulfilling than p-in-v. Take that, tired old cultural belief!

Not only is having sex without intercourse fun, but you’ll also find that you learn a sh*t-ton of new things, both about yourself and your partner. For example, once you’re not so focused on putting your genitals together, you’ll discover new erotic zones on both of your bodies. Like, did you have any idea that a finger brushing the back of your partner's knee could do that before? Didn’t think so.

OK, so now that I have you convinced that having sex without “having sex” is not only worth it but is actually going to blow your mind, here are eight ways you can do it without "doing it."

1. Make Out Like Teenagers

Remember when you were a teenager and you could make out for hours without ever “going to third base?” Remember how hot that was? Well, you can totally recapture some of that sexy energy as an adult by committing to just making out. Start with a "no below the waist" rule, and hold out for as long as you can. The longer you resist, the hotter it will be when you both give in.

2. Get Great At Hand Jobs

The hand job is seriously underrated for all genders, my friend. I know that when I was first having sex, oral often came before hand jobs, which means it took way longer than it should have to get good at them. Also, when I say "hand job," I mean it for both penises and vaginas. This is one of those great sex acts that’s inclusive of all genders!

If your partner has a penis, get some lube or spit worked up and get stroking! Circumcised penises can be a little more difficult to do right, as they don’t make their own lube, so be extra generous with them. If your partner has a vagina, focus on her clitoris and on giving the old come-hither motion for G-spot stimulation.

Regardless of your partner’s gender, it can also help to ask them to show you how they masturbate so you can understand what works for them — and what doesn’t. Also, be sure to pay attention to their face and body language for clues on how you’re doing. Finally, if you’re the one getting the hand job instead of giving it, don’t be scared to give directions! You are the focus of the show here, and it’s up to both of you to make sure that the hand job is the best it can be.

4. Go All-In For Oral

A lot of the instructions for hand jobs apply to oral, as the best oral is really a hand job plus, because your hands should absolutely still be involved. Focusing on oral gives you each the chance to be the star of the show, something that can get lost when you’re having intercourse. Don’t be afraid to give instructions — and don’t be offended when your partner instructs you.

5. Set A Kiss Goal

Maybe it’s something like “I’m going to kiss you 200 times” or, “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body.” The goal it self is kind of arbitrary, because the point is really to build up tension and explore each other’s bodies.

6. Bring Toys Into Play

Oh, the possibilities! Bringing toys into the bedroom is a great way to explore each other’s bodies and turn-ons without penis-in-vagina sex. I recommend checking out Babeland, the awesome, sex-positive, all-genders-welcome sex shop for inspiration. If you live in NYC or Seattle, you can hit up their stores, and if you don’t, check out their website.

7. Focus On One Body Part

Pick a body part and commit to focusing only on that, for a set amount of time. Figure out how to stimulate that body part in as many different ways as you can. You’ll be amazed at how turned on you (or your partner) can get from a place that you never thought of as erotic before.

8. Tease!

Ultimately, the thing that makes any of these options awesome is the tease factor. When you rush right to intercourse, you leave out the one thing that makes sex extra fun: buildup! All of these awesome ways to play will without a doubt result in serious buildup of sexual tension, which you can choose to release however you see fit — intercourse or no intercourse.

So what are you waiting for? Ditch that old intercourse-only sex routine and start playing!

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