The very question "
Am I with the right person?" implies that, on some level, you're having second thoughts. It'd be so nice to have a definitive answer and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that your partner is "The One." But since life and relationships are never that straight forward, doubts and worries are bound to arise.
And yet, as
Annie Wright, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist , tells Bustle, it doesn't necessarily mean you're destined for a breakup. "Contrary to what [movies] and most pop songs teach us," she says, "love and being with the 'right' partner doesn't always look like fireworks or being completely certain about the other."
It's likely you'll experience moments of ambivalence, boredom — and even doubt. And this is especially true if you have a
history of toxic relationships, Sasha Jackson, MSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist, tells Bustle. "It’s important to explore if you're allowing past negatives experiences to overshadow your current relationship," she says. "If this is the case, take time to talk to your partner about insecurities and seek therapy to help your overcome your past. This way you can have a healthy and happy relationship."
how to know if you're with the right person? Here are 20 signs you are, even if you've been questioning your relationship. 1 It's Easy To Be Around Them
One of the most important feelings to look for, when assessing if a partner is right for you, is comfort. "If you have a sense of ease in being with this person — you're not often on edge, hyper-vigilant, waiting for a fight, or feeling neglected — that is a good sign,"
Virginia Williamson, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle.
It doesn't mean you won't have occasional arguments or moments of tension. It just means the overall vibe feels relaxed and natural.
2 You Can Be Yourself
Branching off of that, you know it's OK to be yourself. You feel free to say what's on your mind, to bring up tough topics, to let your hair down — because you know they won't pass judgment or love you any less.
This also means they approach with love and understanding even when you aren't at your best, like when you're sick, in a bad mood, or closed off because you're going through a tough time.
3 You Still Get Excited
Even if you've been together for a long time, you'll still have moments of excitement — like when you greet each other after being apart all day. It's all a sign you're in the right place and with the right person. As Williamson says, "not every day has to or will be filled with passion, but there should still be some excitement about spending time together."
4 Your Personalities Are Complementary
They say opposites attract. But sometimes a really great match can be found in someone who
complements you. So take a moment to assess. Are they outgoing, while you're reserved? Are they thoughtful, while you're quick to find solutions to problems? You're likely with the right person if "your differences bring balance to each other's lives," relationship expert Amber Artis, tells Bustle. 5 You Share The Same Values
Do you share similar world-views and have similar thoughts, morals, values, and beliefs? If so, you're on the right track,
Saudia L. Twine, PhD, LPC, LLMFT, a marriage therapist and relationship coach, tells Bustle. While sharing hobbies and interests is great, these things are so much more important because they mean you're heading in the same direction in life. 6 You Stay On The Same "Team" When Arguing
Relationships tend to fall apart when partners view each other as enemies during fights, instead of looking for ways to stay on the same team, so to speak, even when you're both super mad.
If you and your partner are a good match, Twine says, you'll notice that you work through conflict, voice your concerns, listen, and reach a resolution.
You argue, but it never gets vicious. And more importantly, you always come out on the other side with new boundaries and a better understanding of one another.
7 You Know They're Loyal
Think about how it feels when you call and your partner doesn't answer. Or send a text and they don't write back. Or they get home late from work. Do you assume the worst? Or know that everything's a-OK?
While past relationship history can play into how easy it is to trust a partner, you're likely with the right person if a) you can talk about these insecurities and b) they're open and honest and willing to do whatever it takes to
develop trust in your relationship. 8 You Actually "Hear" Each Other
What this essentially means is that, when you voice your concerns, your partner actually listens, Twine says, and as a result you feel heard and understood.
Listening to each other also prevents small problems from becoming bigger ones, which is important if you want to stick together.
9 You Can't Pinpoint What's "Wrong"
"Thoughts strongly influence how we interpret behaviors of others and our expectations,"
Dr. Danielle Forshee, a clinical psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle, so take a second to evaluate this idea that something's "wrong."
For instance, you may think, "My partner doesn't put a ton of effort into romance anymore. Our relationship isn't good and they don't love me." But when you look at reality, it's easy to point out all the ways they're caring and sweet.
That's why, as Forshee says, it's important to check in with yourself. Your thoughts may not be consistent with what's actually going on, and may be what's causing unnecessary feelings of doubt.
10 You Feel The Chemistry
Even if you're having a moment of doubt, consider whether you still feel chemistry — AKA, that easy, breezy, flirty, fun positivity — more often than not.
"This chemistry is an intangible quality that is often hard to measure,"
Nicholas Hardy, LCSW, a psychotherapist, tells Bustle. "But you know it when it is there, as well as when it is not there."
It's OK if you're going through a rough patch. All couples do, at times. But if that chemistry is there, it's yet another
sign you're a good match. 11 Your Doubts Come And Go
Consider whether these doubts are fleeting or if they stick around. As Hardy says, "too much questioning could allude to deeper problems in the relationship," so you'll want to trust your gut and take a closer look to figure out why you feel the way you do.
But if the doubt only pops up once in a blue moon, and doesn't feel very strong, chances are you're doing OK.
12 You Are Respected
Keep an eye out on the daily — as well as in moments when disrespect might be on full display, like during an argument — and ask yourself, "Do I feel safe? Do I feel respected?"
"This is a big one,"
Salina Schmidgall, M.Ed, PLPC, NCC, a mental health therapist, tells Bustle. "If you don't feel either of these you aren't with the right person."
Disrespect might look like yelling, crossing boundaries, name-calling, lying — the list goes on and on. You won't have to deal with any these things in a secure, healthy relationship.
13 Your Partner Is The First Person You Call
If you get a promotion, adopt a puppy, or just generally have a great day, who's the first person you call with the news? If it's your partner, Schmidgall says, that's a good sign.
And the same is true with bad news. If your partner is one of the first people you call, it not only shows you value them, but that they're a source of comfort. And that really is invaluable.
14 You Feel Like The Best Version Of Yourself
Do you like who you are around your partner? And do they encourage you to be better? If they're happy with who you are right now, but also boost you up and help you reach goals, you've struck gold,
Cathy Sullivan-Windt, PhD, a licensed psychologist, tells Bustle.
And the same is true in reverse. You love who they are right now, but also want to see them succeed, whether it's with a personal goal, a work goal, etc. You both support each other in being "better" — and growing into who you want to be as individuals.
15 Your Friends Are All About It
While you'll always want to trust your own assessment of the relationship — since you and your partner are the only ones in it — getting an outside perspective can come in handy, especially if you're having second thoughts.
If well-intentioned individuals — like close friends and family — are supportive and happy for you, Hardy says, you're likely with the right person.
16 You Like Their Friends
"There is some truth to the statement that the people one chooses to surround themselves with says a lot about a person," Sullivan-Windt says. So take a look at the people your partner associates with, and consider what it reveals.
"This doesn’t mean you have to share hobbies with your significant other's friends," she says. "but it is important that they are people you respect at a minimum — and ideally people you’d like to spend time with, too."
If their friends welcome you into their group with open arms — and vice versa — you've got a truly excellent situation on your hands.
17 You're Both Comfortable Spending Time Apart
time away from your partner and having aspects of your own life that you participate in solo is great for a healthy relationship," Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC, a mental health therapist, tells Bustle. "Having hobbies and social gatherings without our partner let us gain self-worth outside of our relationship, which is healthy for everyone involved."
Not to mention, if you're both cool with spending time apart — and do so without it feeling like a big deal — it shows you have a good level of trust and respect for each other. All good things.
18 Everything Seems Fair & Balanced
Making decisions, doing chores, paying bills. It all carries a mental load, Griffin says, which is why you're likely with the right person if they understand that — and do their part.
You don't want it to feel like you're the only one doing the heavy lifting, she says, since that can lead to resentment.
Instead, it feels like you both show up 100% and take on take on these responsibilities together.
19 You're Willing To Work On The Relationship
"There’s a natural ebb and flow to relationships," dating expert
Samantha Daniels, tells Bustle. So even if you're definitely going through a tough time, consider your reaction to it all.
If there's a willingness to acknowledge problems and a willingness to find solutions to those problems, it's a sign you still see the relationship as "worth it." You want to make things work because there's value.
still unsure, however, "talk to your partner about your concerns and fears," Daniels says. They need to know how you feel so they can join you in making positive changes. 20 You Just "Know"
There might not be a definitive answer when it comes to whether or not your
partner is right for you. So read this article, write pro/con lists, or whatever else will help you gain clarity. But most importantly of all, check in with yourself.
"When people say 'when you know you know' it really is the case," Schmidgall says. "It's really a matter of trusting our own judgement and listening to our gut. Your body tells you a lot about what's going on — listen to it."
Sources: Annie Wright, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist Sasha Jackson, MSW, LCSW, licensed therapist Virginia Williamson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist Amber Artis, relationship expert Saudia L. Twine, PhD, LPC, LLMFT, marriage therapist and relationship coach Samantha Daniels, dating expert Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, dating and relationship coach Nicholas Hardy, LCSW, psychotherapist Salina Schmidgall, M.Ed, PLPC, NCC, mental health therapist Cathy Sullivan-Windt, PhD, licensed psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee, clinical psychologist and licensed clinical social worker Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC, mental health therapist